Written by Nash D. Plott
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Tuesday, 30 August 2011

The oil producing facilities of Libya were unexpectedly saved by rats, which chewed through wiring attached to a "Doomsday Device", according to sources in Tripoli.

The elaborate underground facility constructed and run by Col. Gadaffi included a command center which contained an auto-destruct device intended to destroy Libyan refinery and port facilities should Gadaffi ever lose control over the capital. When rebel forces occupied the compound Gadaffi rapidly withdrew, but not before making at least one attempt to arm the device in a final act of defiance.

The doomsday device was a radio controlled detonater linked to caches of explosives and chemical weapons concealed in Libyan seaports and petrochemical facilities including those at Bouri, Elbrega, Marsa Al-Harega Ras Lanouf and As-Sidrah. The detonation transmitter in Gadaffi's Tripoli compound was activated by a large manual activation switch within the command console. The seat in front of the switch showed evidence of a prolonged vigil including approximately 300 Lucky Strike butts, several cases of Coke cans, two cases of date cakes, approximately 2,500 machine gun shells which appear to have been discharged into the wall, and a large box of No-Doz. When investigators examined the scene it was noted that the button had been depressed, then hammered upon by some blunt object that may have been a pistol butt. Further investigation revealed that the wiring behind the console had been severely gnawed by rats, leading to the failure of the device.

"It is ironic that Gadaffi, may jackals urinate upon his shoes, was quick to call us rats, but was ultimately defeated by real rats", commented Alafaq Al-Bezni, one of the rebel forces occupying Gaddafi's former command center. "He tried to kill us all. May his eyes be pierced and his liver dragged from his living carcass by vultures, to the glory of God".

Military units sent to retrieve the explosive devices found that even without the rats Gadaffi's plans may have gone awry. "When we arrived at the port of As-Sidrah we quickly found the location where the explosives cache was supposed to be", explained Masah El-Makkesh, commander of the rebel-led ground unit at the port. "In fact, there were no explosives or chemical weapons present. There was certainly evidence of them having been there, but the explosives had already been stolen by operatives of Al-Quaida, may pigs feast eternally upon their entrails".

A search is now on to recover the missing explosives, which are believed to include large quantities of C4 "plastique" and unspecified chemical weapons. "We will rebuild Libya according to a model of justice and democracy", El-Makkesh vows. "The sons of dogs who stole these explosives and weapons will be sundered limb from limb, their bodies strewn like garbage and trampled by swine. Libya shall again be a place of peace and prosperity, and the jackals who seek to destroy peace will be ruthlessly exterminated"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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