Alex Salmond and Kenny MacAskill, the architects of the early release of mass murderer Abdul Megrahi, have written to his wife following news that he may be dying, offering to play bagpipes at his wake.
In a letter leaked to the Guardian, Salmond writes:
"We hardly kent yer guildman but we dinnae hink he is guilty. Sae therefair we offer tae attend his funeral an' hauld a wake fur heem.
We will also brin' uir bagpipes, kilts an' some haggis. An' we will brin' sweets fur th' bairns."
Right-minded English folk were speechless - mainly because they couldn't understand the letter.
Meanwhile, doctors in Tripoli announced that Megrahi had miraculously recovered.
"These words of kindness have impressed upon Megrahi and his family the benefits of staying alive. Or it may be that Megrahi was simply faking his illness while the British journalists were around and now they have left, he has stopped doing this. Either way, ALlah be praised!"