Moscow - A notorious UFO rat run inside Earth's Van Allen Beltway is the top culprit behind the disappearance of Russian Starfleet's flagship cargo carrier.
This morning the entire International Space Station supply program hangs in ruins as monitors scour the magnetosphere for the missing Progress M-12-M Marie Celeste which vanished off the radar soon after take-off.
Rattled Kremlin sources spoke today of PM Vladimir Putin's dismay at reports that the craft may have strayed accidentally into the disputed Bermuda Triangle area of Earth's plasma field before disappearing.
Its 2.5 tonne payload of PM Putin and President Dim Eatery Medvedev's recent phishing expedition home movies had included spectacular footage of their vacation capture of a Great White Loan Shark off Bloodyvostock's choppy waters.
The videos were supposed to be a treat for the ISS crew amid recent reports morale had plummeted following the Station's total collapse of wifi internet provision.
NASA - which initially stayed out of the controversy of the missing supply craft - issued a statement at lunchtime explaining the Earth's torus of energetic charged particles is supposed to act as a buffer against incoming rogue ET craft whose homing devices are scrambled by a series of high tech satellite beacons.
"The array is meant to guide ISS space mission-bound ships safely past the radiation belts," a Jet Convulsion laboratory source in Pasadena, California told reporters from Big Bang News Illustrated.
A distress signal picked up at Kazakhstan's Baikonur Space Centre later turned out to be a flock of ovulating Canada geese crossing the international dateline on tradewinds polluted by US East Coast-bound Hurricane Irene.
The Leonids meteor shower is named after ex-Soviet President Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev (19 December 1906 - 10 November 1982).