Written by jd Balderdash
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Topics: Christmas, Santa

Saturday, 24 December 2005

image for Santa's Crystal Meth Workshop Busted... the Legend of Claus
Willie Jenkins

Santa's workshop .. long thought to be a fictional place "way up yonder" where elves and reindeer sang and frolicked merrily around Christmas trees and Charlie Brown fireplaces making toys was BUSTED by Federal Narcotics agents during a surprise pre-dawn RAID 3 weeks ago which nabbed the ring leader himself .. "Claus".

Claus aka "Santa" aka "Willie Jenkins" aka "Nick" currently wanted in 49 states for narcotic and drug trafficking charges who surrendered without incident kept asking arresting officers ..

"What about Christmas? What's going to happen to Christmas now?!"

Sobering words. Flash back, back to the time of Willie Jenkin's father ..

April 16th, 1912, the RMS Titanic has just been reported as lost and Vincent Nikolaus with tears in his eyes takes his millions as partial owner in White Star lines, moves to America, first to Iowa then .. north even further to Alaska.

Nikolaus, a 6th generation direct descendant of the real 17th century priest, Saint Giovani Nikolaus upon whom the entire legend of Santa Claus sprang to life used his vast fortune to construct a massive 28,000 acre fortress hidden deep in the Arctic polar region of the planet.

Flash forward .. 1922.. Nikolaus, fascinated by his mythical heritage WAS a crude of form of what we call "Santa Claus" .. using his wealth to dispatch servants into Alaskan towns on Christmas eve and leave presents for children at their doors. 15 years later Nikolaus has developed a crude flying helium propelled flying translucent dirigible that from the ground did appear to be a sleigh pulled by reindeer. Nikolaus also fathered a son, Willie.

Flash again .. 1942 .. young Willie Nikolaus changes his last name to Jenkins for reasons unknown and promises his dying father that he will carry on the tradition of Christmas. Which he does, branching further and further south each year delivering toys to needy boys and girls in even more advanced mechanically powered versions of the flying craft.

"Big mistake Nikolaus made turning it all over to his son WIlle" said one Gnome Alaska investigative reporter following this story, going on to say,

"WIllie Jenkins, kind-hearted, charitable and loving as he was .. liked to fire up a little mistletoe every now, every then then sniff a little snow, pop a little rock starting on the FIRST day of Christmas all the way up to the 365th day of Christmas, 80 Lords a'leaping, 90 pink dragons a'toking, 250,000 kilo's a 'shipping."

Apparently, like young Anakin Skywalker, Willie Jenkins, the real Santa, as real as one ever will be was seduced by the dark side of the force. Or, perhaps could "Santa" be not just one kind hearted soul giving his all but, like Lassie a series of beings, Santa's, the mantel being passed father to son father to son father to son from then until eternity passes?

Willie Jenkins is now facing 15-20 years in prison. NASA polar orbital satellites however can't seem to spot the massive 28,000 acre polar complex where WIllie was busted 3 weeks ago. Willie's son, Antonio "Nikolaus" who lived with his father, never involved in the drug trade has also suddenly disappeared.

"Don't worry" NASA scientists say,

"Our satellites will find that complex again. Surely the whole thing couldn't have just .. moved."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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