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Saturday, 6 August 2011

image for Pissed In Space - Russian Cosmonaut Spills Beans On International Space Station
Houston - We Have A Problem. The Russkies Are Nearly Out Of Vodka.

Russian Cosmonaut, Yuri Gaggininnit today revealed that a tour on the international space station isn't necessarily one long round of orbiting the earth and conducting obscure experiments, involving flying ants and lighted tapers in zero gravity conditions.

Quite the contrary, according to Gaggininnit - life in orbit appears to be one interminable round of vodka drinking, high jinks (literally) and long distance pissing contests.

Gaggininnit revealed that for the entirety of his six month stint on the space station, he was paralytically drunk.

Explaining his wayward behaviour whilst in orbit, Gaggininnit described being in continual orbit as 'mind bogglingly boring' and went on to describe how the novelty of trying to spot the Great Wall Of China from orbit soon lost its lustre.

He described American and Chinese space explorers as 'boring bastards' who took all the space exploration thing way too seriously, wanting to conduct 'stupid experiments' and endlessly gawping out of the portholes at the earth, way down below.

Instead of having a laugh and getting pissed off their faces.

"I was drunk as a skunk the whole time," Gaggininnit told news crews. "We were just up there for a laugh, and to have the crack. Dimitri Yerbatov and I would laugh hysterically as we held face punching contests. We broke each other's noses several times. It was so funny. The others just didn't get it. I remember one time when Dimitri had to do a space walk to clear some space junk off one of the solar panels, and he was so drunk he lurched off towards Mars and completely forgot what he was supposed to be doing. Life in space is quite shit really."

Chinese astronaut, Li Kwan Jimbob described the Russian delegation as 'an absolute disgrace' and as being 'perpetually shit faced.'

US astronaut, Glenn Johnson told news crews:

"They are a bunch of irresponsible scrotes. But seeing as how our own space program has run out of money, I can't say too much about it, because if we want to get into space, we have to bum a ride off these guys."

However, Jamaican astronaut, Rastaman Ganjabong agreed with his Russian counterparts that the Chinese and Americans took the whole issue of space exploration too seriously.

"Dem needs to chill out man an' ting innit," he said.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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