"See I told you" President Bush said in one of the nation's shortest televised presidential speeches ever, concluding with "Didn't I tell you ?". Yesterday U.S. forces in Iraq stumbled upon 937 X-14 long range intercontinental ballistic missiles each equipped with multiple (MIRV) 12 Megaton Uranium 235 nuclear warheads 1000 times more powerful than the bomb that leveled Hiroshima in 1945. 930 of the 937 missiles, sources say, were aimed at America.
U.S. troops also discovered over 450,000 drums of deadly Sarin nerve gas, 17 tons of lethal anthrax disguised as CoffeMate, 93 thousand flocks of caged pigeons with flu-like symptoms, over a million gallons of pure liquefied small pox bacteria along with one of Uday Hussein's sawed-off shotguns filled with enough Bubonic Plague virus to wipe out an entire Super Bowl if fired at the right moment during the half-time show.
"How come you folks didn't find all this stuff before?" Donald Rumsfeld reportedly asked one of the high ranking Generals behind yesterday's WMD discovery. The General reportedly replied
"Because we never had a map to the locations before sir?"
Pentagon officials are silent as to the meaning of the General's statement but do admit that "Mapquest" did play a key role in yesterday's massive find.
Unconfirmed sources say that Marines south of Mosul discovered "some sort of high energy laser particle beam" weapon. NASA scientists are examining the device but preliminary results categorize it as one similar to the one United States physicists at Los Alamos are reportedly "testing" which could if fired split the moon, as southerners would say, "plum in two" if "struck just riight".
Saddam Hussein "not talk'n" except via courtroom outbursts still denies ever possessing weapons of mass destruction even though U.S. Special Intelligence forces confirm finding 937,000 bottles of highly toxic liquefied VX nerve gas in the wine cellar of Hussein's palace #13 cleverly disguised as 937,000 bottles of 1957 vintage Cabernet Sauvignon.
Special Forces agents say, however, that they can NOT yet confirm that the 1.7 mile long trillion dollar high energy particle accelerator found below a farm house in Al-Basrahunder was anywhere close to enabling Hussein to develop a viable anti-matter bomb which could, theoretically not only vaporize the earth but it's closest 3 neighboring planets Mercury, Venus, Mars along with portions of Saturn as well.
The BIG surprise, according to Special Forces Commander Brian Overstreet was the discovery of 27 fully armed Trident nuclear submarines in a shed behind a Takrit schoolyard.
"Quite a feat" Overstreet said "considering Iraq is, besides those 2 rivers nowhere near a drop of water let alone the ocean".
See, I told em" Bush later told Tim Russert on Face the Nation adding, "Didn't I tell em Tim I told em right?" Russert replying,
"Yes Mr President you did. Our next guest .."