The American mafia is in turmoil following the recent announcement that Jimmy ‘The Salami' de Marco is to replace Frankie ‘Four Fingers' Spaghetti as Don of San Francisco. The first Mafiosi to ‘come out', de Marco, nicknamed ‘The Dodgy Don', has been a thorn in the side of the American Mafia in recent years.
Eschewing the traditional suit and trench coat for more flamboyant attire, he drew additional unwanted attention from the media recently when he was voted best dressed gay male in a Vanity Fair poll. This, on top of his uniquely delicate methods of dispensing mob justice - drive by eggings, extracting information with the use of tickling, and leaving the heads of various flowers in peoples beds as a warnings - has sent shockwaves through the Italian underworld.
To find out just how much of a problem de Marco's appointment has caused, I travelled to New Jersey and discussed ‘the San Francisco situation' with a prominent member of the resident mafia family. Paule ‘The Toes' Tuscanetti told me how it was; "It's like dis see," he said, "dis is just the latest symptom of what da new liberal left of da mafia is doin' to our organisation - dere tearing it apart I tell ya. An' I can tell youse when it all started too, coz I was dere; 10 years ago at a poker game in Chicago: Pauline, da wife of Freddy ‘Unless Shit' Franchetti, interrupts da game at a critical point with some crap about her baby goin' blue or summin'. Anyways, Freddy, being the useless shit that he is, dont shoot her in the legs, which is standard practise for such a show a disrespect. Since den da rot has been slowly settin' in, an now here we are with a gay Don! Forget about it!"
Although none to popular with right wing Mafiosi, which it has to be said even in these enlightened times makes up the vast majority of the organisation, the Dodgy Don has been a godsend in PR terms. His championing of a more inclusive mafia has won him many supporters in the confused politically correct melting pot of modern American life; although still a member of an illegal organisation responsible for hundreds of deaths a year, he is already being mooted as a possible successor to the Mayor of San Francisco.
I met Jimmi de Marco at his home and we discussed the controversy surrounding his appointment as Don of San Francisco. "Ooooh sweetie, don't you worry about those old boys, they just don't like change - this is the mafia, this is how it is. Remember how funny they were about drugs, you must have seen the movies, oh that De Niro - what a butch! Sorry, where was I…ah yes, they kicked up a big fuss about drugs back in the 70's and look at things now - who would think of a mafia not involved in drugs. It's all about the money, honey; they can't ignore the pink dollar forever!"
Although in person Jimmi de Marco is a placid and overtly feminine character, he is at the end of the day still a homosexual crime boss. And despite having a very positive attitude towards people's individual sexual preferences, the room in which I sat was cluttered with phallic ornaments, the front door had a large muscular man either side of it, and I felt threatened.
Deciding that I had sufficient information for the day, I made my excuses and left.