Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Bible, crucifixion

Tuesday, 29 November 2005

image for New Dead Sea Scrolls Translation Prove Da Vinci Code False
Peter's walk on water is described in a new Dead Sea Scroll translation.

Translators, Archaeologists, and Bible Scholars in Jerusalem have just finished work on the translation of another of the Dead Sea Scrolls. This one, known as The Gospel of Peter, also describes the time period after the crucifixion (historically covered only in The Acts of The Apostles) and proves many of the allegations of Dan Brown's bestselling The Da Vinci Code to be false.

Ishmael Abraham of the Israeli Center for Translation of Ancient Manuscripts released the following statement: "We have finished with The Gospel of Peter and are now ready for publication. The things found in this scroll will rock Judaism and Christianity to their very cores and blow new believers in the role of Mary Magdalene out of the water."

"This gospel is apparently written by the Apostle Simon Peter or his scribe. It relates the struggles of an infant church movement in bringing Christianity to the Roman, Jewish, and Greek world and chronicles the early missionary efforts by the early apostles and others. It also gives us a more intimate look into the family life of Jesus of Nazareth, called The Christ."

"We must remember historically that Jesus was very close to Peter. He was one of the first disciples to be chosen, he went with Jesus to the Mount of Transfiguration, he became the Chief Apostle and man in charge after the Ascension, and he walked on the water. This find and translation is significant because it comes to us from a man in the inner circle of the early Christian movement."

Some of the new revelations from the Gospel of Peter about the family and family life of Jesus include the following:

1. The Wedding at Canaan, where Jesus performed his first public miracle, turning water into wine, was his own marriage ceremony.

2. Jesus was not married to Mary Magdalene, as Dan Brown states in his novel. He was actually married to Martha, sister of Lazarus and Mary of Bethany. This explains his constant trips to the town of Bethany and why this family was so important to him. He wept at the death of Lazarus because he was his own brother in law!

3. Jesus and Martha had no children. As Peter describes the condition, "he had the geffelta fish, but no motza balls."

4. In the current version of the scriptures, the mother-in-law of Peter is mentioned, proving that he was married. More revelations about Peter's family are found in this gospel, including the fact that Peter was polygamous. After the ascension, he takes Martha to be his second wife to care for her.

5. The reason that Jesus asked his Apostle John the Beloved to care for his mother Mary while he was hanging on the cross was because Joseph (his stepfather) and Zebedee (John's father) were brothers. Mary, therefore, was the aunt of this author of The Gospel of John, The Revelation, and 1st, 2nd, and 3rd John. She was also mother to the Apostle James the Lesser and aunt of John the Baptist.

6. Peter describes walking on the water as being, "a slippery thing. It had no traction and and I slid as if on ice on a winter's morning." While many ridiculed the Apostle for lack of faith and sinking, he tells readers that they should remember that he is the only one that had the faith to leave the boat and walk at all.

Other new information from this Gospel of Peter include some doctrinal and organizational facts about the new church:

1. All church buildings were to include a large cultural hall for large congregational dinners and basketball games.

2. Christmas carols in an early form were actually invented shortly after the ascension. They were sung and church Christmas Pageants and the birth story was acted out by children in bathrobes and tin-foil haloes.

3. Priests in the church were to celebrate their calling, not to be celebate (the letter "r" was lost somewhere in the translation and copying).

4. All congregations were to hold annual pancake breakfasts and spaghetti dinners (started by Roman congregations) to raise money for youth group activities.

5. When original collection plates were passed after church sermons, they had cookies on them. Attendees would give larger donations for the ones with nuts or raisins in them.

6. There was no such thing as holy water. Peter's grandchildren, trying to make a buck off of souvenier hunters, sold bottles of "The Holy Christ's Night Waters." Over the years, some of the wording was apparently dropped.

7. The Apostle Paul was not shipwrecked on an island. He was a participant in an early version of "Survivor."

8. An eleventh commandment, "Though shall learn that life is not fair," was somehow omitted from the book of Exodus. The same thing occured with one of the phrases in the tenth commandment. The commandment should properly state, "Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's daughter's ass." Some time in history, the word "daughter" was omitted.

Translators hope to have the next Dead Sea Scroll translated and into bookstores early next year. In that one, the Shroud of Turin and the Holy Grail are debunked.

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