Hey! You there!
An oriental female?
Too young to remember Take That or the Spice Girls?
Eager to get to grips with a foreign tongue, especially English?
Keen to be made to feel just like an adult?
Do you wanna be in my gang? Then enrol at one of my Gary Glitter English Academies, located in various countries right across South-east Asia. It's simple. It's easy. It's a whole lotta fun! Following the runaway success of my Thai and Cambodian outlets I've just opened a brand spanking new branch in Vietnam. So if you're prepared to get your head down and do some serious learning then I can be your Leader!
I promise to:
Provide you with one on one tuition - you will have my undivided attention, 24/7!
Tell you about all those things that your father refused to.
Give you full board and lodgings, including use of my own private bathroom.
Let you wear my lovely wig in return for a doing a couple of simple chores around the house.
But there MUST be some sort of catch I hear you say? Not at all! This once-in-a-lifetime, never-to-be-forgotten-offer will not cost you a single penny. In fact - I'll pay YOU! That's right. You're not dreaming, you aren't going mad - I will PAY you to let ME educate YOU! It's practically criminal, I know! Why should you let me teach you? Well, I can instruct you in ways that you couldn't possibly imagine - after all you are only 12! I can give you MY own very special input. I can reach the parts other teachers can't. And what's in it for me? Satisfaction. YOUR education is important to ME.
In order that I can take advantage of this special offer please send me your phone number together with a photo of yourself to: PF Gadd, PO Box 32, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam.
Remember this offer is not available to anyone in the UK (due to an overzealous computer technician). Special discount given for twins and orphans. Total discretion is assured - even your parents wont know where you are! Apply early to avoid disappointment (to me).