Thousands of anxious parents are awaiting news concerning the fate of the 56,735 children who were secretly barbecued by the ostrich community in Southern Russia after their UFO crash landed on June 18th.
The ostriches, who obviously knew their Lord of the Flies-even if they were not brainy enough for Jonathan Swift, had arranged the child BBQ when they found out that ostriches could be found on the meat shelves at Tescos among the chicken section. Ostriches are proud birds and had been promised Harrods and Waitrose and were thus furious that mere plebs were dining on them.
Shortly before he was presumably eaten, our intrepid reporter was despatched to Southern Russia for a one on one interview with the head of the ostriches. The ostrich, Kurt to his friends, and a former Secretary General of the UN to boot, was in no mood for compromises and proceeded to give a forthright defence of his policies towards the newly arrived ex-British citizens.
The first child to be eaten was a boy who stated that since he was the child of an emperor he was above all grammar. Of course, if he was above all grammar then he would have said, 'emperor grammar I above am,' and so into the roulade he went. The toffs thus dealt with, the plebs were next simply for aspiring to be toffs and for a host of other reasons.
Their refusal to integrate and their insults towards their hosts irritated many of the ostriches. It was not their fault that their necks were permanently damaged by Willy Wonka back in the 1970s. The children were lazy and refused to graze in the fields. They had refused to take a new citizenship test and refused to speak ostrich and it was just a matter of time before they ruined the fabric of ostrich society.
Our reporter, aghast at the monstrosity of what had occurred and declining all offers of anything resembling chicken, was put in his place by the following remark by the ostrich leader,"Haven't you been listening to a word I have said? This is an overcrowded place.They were going to steal our jobs.And go on welfare. And then blow us all up."
Only one child remained as a warning to the other ostriches and curiously enough he was a direct descendant of the sole survivor of the Kabul to Kandahar massacre back in the 1840s-in which 17000 British citizens lost their lives-proving that luck is purely genetic.
The ostrich leader then went onto discuss future plans-namely the invasion of Austria on 23rd August 2013. On being asked why it had to be Austria and expecting a,'George W Bush why not?' kind of reply, the reporter was surprised to learn that Austria is just another name for österreich and so the ostriches were merely claiming their natural birthrights.
A few minutes after emailing his report, this reporter was never heard from again. His last words to the editor were, ' That's really delicious,I never thought…' before the line clicked dead. We are clueless and guess we can be expecting his bones in the post sometime next week along with the weekly ransom demand note from Somali pirates for a reporter-Mr Mark Lowton- who we didn't even know worked for us.
And österreich watch out-the ostriches are coming to get you.