Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Lost, Jungle, Amazon, Tribes

Friday, 24 June 2011

image for Mystery Amazon Tribesman - "Bugger Off. We're Not Lost, We're Hiding."
These Carvings Represent A Tribal Speed Camera

The discovery of another "lost" Amazonian tribe in dense rainforest, close to the Peruvian border, may have excited the world's scientific and archaeological communities, but according to reports, the tribesmen are none too pleased.

It seems that the tribesman are not, and never have been, "lost," but more like they're hiding out in the rainforest because they've seen the world, and they don't much care for the way it's going.

This follows the discovery of another "lost" tribe, some two hundred miles to the south of the more recent discovery, four years ago. The Omanipateca tribe, discovered in similar circumstances by an aerial survey are now said to have completely adapted to 21st Century life, and have relocated to a Sao Paulo favela, where three of them have been killed whilst engaging in gang related activity, seven have become alcoholics, nineteen became drug addicts, two are currently incarcerated on murder charges, and one will only talk about the 386 'friends' he has made on Facebook, and very little else.

In what is seen by conservationists as a radical backward step, the Omanipateca have been held up as an example of everything that is wrong in repatriating 'lost' Amazonian tribes.

In written transcripts of conversations held with a tribal elder by a Brazilian official, the elder revealed that the recently discovered tribe are not lost, but merely hiding, before adding that outsiders should "Bugger off and leave us alone."

When shown an iPad and photographs of houses, cars, factories, city streets, and various modern gadgets, the elder is believed to have said:

"Yadda yadda yadda. Progress my ass. We know what iPads and cars and factories and favelas are, just like we know what taxes and stress and television are. Fuck that shit. We're happy as we are mate. If you ask me, the world's gone mad, with its satellite TV, politicians, so called celebrities, overpaid sportsmen, saturation advertising, internet obsession, and climate change. And for what? We just eat, fuck, shit and sleep, and that's how we we like it. Now get the hell outta here before I put a poison blowpipe dart in your ass."

The future is uncertain.

We'll be right back after these messages.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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