Written by Igor
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Topics: al-Qaeda, Video

Tuesday, 21 October 2003

Recent footage broadcast on the Arabic speaking Qatar based news channel, Al Jazeera shows that Bin Laden now has a powerful ally in the information war.

The most recent tape to come from somewhere in the Cairngorm mountains shows Bin Laden addressing his disciples to a Sony PC120 Digital Video camera. The camera, which can capture up to 1,500,000 pixels of colour is a serious upgrade from the old 8 mm video footage that was formerly the trademark signature of an Al Qaeda tape.

This camera, combined with a new on-line editing system has meant that more of Bin Laden's evil messages can be deemed broadcast worthy, as generally the TV industry would not show anything that produced less than 400 lines of resolution on a normal TV.

Bin Laden, in an interview with "Serious Camcorder User" magazine explained his reasons for the new purchase. "Initially I was unconcerned with the actual picture quality of my evil broadcasts" He told the magazine, "But when I saw some of the really bad propaganda cartoons of the imperialist west, I realised that nobody actually knows what I look like! The mole on my left cheek for example, has several black hairs growing out of it and this has not been picked up by the old JVC steadyshot pro, now the Sony PC120 can show that and even some of the egg in my beard!"

Osama has admitted part of the reason for the purchase was his growing vanity. "To be fair, Bush and Blair have make-up artists and I always thought that make-up was for girls, but then I saw Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean and decided that it was time to cover up the yellowheads. Personally I use Max-Factor."

Experts who have analysed the tapes have concurred that Osama is actually looking younger. From the British Institute of Video Imaging - Ted Striker said: "It seems he has started using Just For Men and mixing this with Head & Shoulders to produce what can only be described as a healthy shine with plenty of body..."

Osama has allegedly also kidnapped Giorgio Armani to design a new Turban. Officials from Nike were unavailable for comment on reports that they supplied the last turban which Bin Laden never actually wore due to the large white tick on the front.

Al Qaeda hasn't stopped merely at Make-Up artists and personal assistants for their new star, they have reportedly shelled out £1,100 for a new iMac with iMovie editing software and DVD burner.

Jeff Buttons commented - "Well, to be fair, we have to have someone to edit the out-takes, there was this hilarious incident where Osama's turban fell off and a bird rapped on his head, that was really funny. Osama had the bird impaled on a pencil.... and there was this other time where he was making this really rousing speech and me and Mike the sound guy kept bursting out laughing and so did he, it really was a hoot, man, we couldn't keep straight faces, so he had Mike burnt in a transit van with his family."

"These days, though, Osama spends so much time in his trailer, we can be waiting round for ages after the morning call, the editing system means that we can now produce videos without his involvement, we have a stand in, it's the guy that played Jar Jar Binks in the Phantom Menace, he does the movements and digital grading means we can go over it with a digital version of Osama's face."

Reports that Andy Serkis will be starring in the next video as the digital character Gollum are unconfirmed.

"Yeah, we've been playing about with different transition effects, like the star Wipe and colour fades, pretty soon, I think we will be able to produce something fairly professional. It's just that as Osama is getting more coverage, he's starting to demand higher fees, he's also pretty wary since the last one we made when we put an OMD soundtrack over the top of an Al Qaeda training video. Osama didn't like that..."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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