New York, NY - A report released today by Syrian scientists reportedly will stress the various health benefits of being shot. The report said aid groups may be an attempt to blunt the political firestorm created in the aftermath of numerous media reports showing thousands of peaceful protesters being fired upon by Syrian army snipers and tanks.
Syrian Army General Badr, whose name means Full Moon in Arabic, said the report shows that gunshot victims were ecstatic after being shot, knowing that they would be treated to the numerous health benefits administered by the Syrian secret police.
The two page report was distributed today to United Nations member state ambassadors, most of whom received it with open arms.
In a hastily arranged news conference held later at the exclusive Madam Gloria's Men's Spa in New York City the Syrian ambassador noted that without being shot getting in to see a doctor in Syria was very difficult, adding that many people streamed out into the street just to get shot, bringing their sick children with them.
"Look," said Syrian Ambassador Abdul-Ra'uf, "Syria is really a very lovely and peaceful country. But it is true that we have a doctor shortage. So for many people getting shot by the Army tanks is a good thing, see?
The ambassador, whose name in Arabic means Servant of the Most Merciful, said the report was delayed for weeks after hundred of report participants died mysteriously, and blamed the United States and Israel for their deaths.