Following 'unexpected' reports issued today that the Afghan Campaign has been a complete waste of lives and the squandering of Billions of dollars, CEO Hamid Karzai of Karzai Inc, LLC, announced he would be relocating the family corporate offices to the 'friendlier' confines of Chicago, Illinois, USA.
The Obama Administration said the decision was an 'unexpected shock considering President Karzai's success' and is undertaking a nation wide talent search to find a replacement for Karzai concentrating primarily in the academic sector at the University of Chicago, and the University of California, Berkley.
"We're hoping for a Nobel Prize winner," said Presidential Spokesman Jay Corny (sic), but right now we're dealing with the Weiner situation and the search may take a while! With the President's strategic victory we expect the a short period of transition while we have a yard sale on military equipment and prepare to move our military dead back home where they can be with their family, although that may take a bit longer."
Shares of Karzai, listed under the ticker HKG (Hamid Karzai Green) jumped 37% with the news on an otherwise dismal day at the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE).
With the jump from $18 a share to $24.66 Goldman Sachs moved HKG from 'Hold' to 'Buy' and "outperform" shortly after the closing bell.
Described in its proforma as "a family non profit closely held corporation with varied interests in home cooking, homeopathic pain killers, construction, car sales, and charitable investments to promote feminist education and understanding," HMG also stated it backed 'green jobs',Mia Farrow's charity to remove mines in war torn countries, Madonna's efforts for education in Haiti, Oprah's new TV channel, and George Obama's efforts to finally put a roof on his house in Kenya.
The Karzai family already has a stranglehold on the Afghan economy controlling the only bank where all US funds are funneled in, and then shoveled out to Dubai, the only concrete plant, the franchise for Toyota, the only imported vehicle for gun platforms sold to Libyan rebels, and total control of the growing, harvesting, packaging, distributing and transshipping of opium making Afghanistan the largest opium producing country in the world supplying 92% of the world market according to 2007 reports.
Hamid is affectionately called "Big Poppy", no offense to Boston Red Sox Big Bopper David Ortiz, as Karzai Inc. is also the world's largest supplier of Hashish, with both addictive products bringing in over $4B to the GNP, 4 times that of the Taliban before the US occupied the country in 2001 and began to stream line the industry.
Hamid credits his success to the US's superior organizational skills, transportation infrastructure, and complete naiveté on the part of the US State Department.
HKG already has 3 family run restaurants in the US in Boston, San Francisco and Baltimore, conveniently near international seaports to facilitate easy handling of he family's import/export business.
Following this year's best ever Poppy harvest, and the down tick of progress against the Taliban, 50% of whom Karzai is paying off with US funds to permit his government to exist Hamid says it's time to move on.
What he left unsaid is that the Taliban has organized themselves into a union, and have refused to take to the Poppy Fields until HMG opens it's books, and distributes more of it's income to the 'players." Hamid's response was to call for a 'lock out' cutting off all funds to the Taliban even refusing to give them any more ammunition or explosive devices to keep the war going, the main reason the money kept flowing in from the US.
A spokesman for the Karzai Realty Trust said they are in the process of securing corporate office space on Lake Shore Drive with a view of Lake Michigan, and will be establishing 'free medicinal clinics' on the South Side to provide an outlet for their home grown holistic medicines as a humanitarian gesture.
"It's a win-win" said brother Mahmoud, currently under indictment for money laundering, corruption and non payment of income taxes, " we've already pledged support to Mayor Emanuel and will be financing the new "Rahm Emanuel/Helmand Casino", supplying all the cement, the unskilled workers, and fronting the catering and restaurant facilities in exchange for no corporate taxes, and cutting all building code restrictions. Naturally, all Afghan workers will immediately join the Union of the Mayor's choice, and fully back his political agenda until pig's fly! "(oops)
"With any luck, and with Allah's help, we hope to be open for Christmas Eve and a gala celebration celebrating the new rebirth of the Karzai American Family."
"Only in America, Eh," said a smiling Mahmoud.
The US government (taxpayer) currently funds 97% of the country's daily operating costs, with no accounting or oversight, with no end in sight, pushing the misguided foreign policy that you can buy friends with money and the blood of your citizens.
To date over 2500 allied soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan: 1613 from the US, 371 from the UK, 156 from Canada, and the remainder from other NATO countries.
May God Now Let them Rest in Peace.