Iran - Germ(an) warfare specialists said today the Iran President may have ordered the immediate destruction of the West's filthy killer veg.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has rubbished the EU's E.Coli claims after pointing out the bacteria's abbreviated name is really 'Eco Lie'.
The edict comes as Iran secret service blamed 'Mossad pathogens' - normally associated with poor sexual hygiene - for the poison cucumber pandemic.
At the UK's National Poisons Unit lab boffins are checking if it's a man-made bug that's contaminated the food chain.
The new bacterium strain has also reacted positively to matches with Icelandic crap spewed out by the latest volcanic eruption last week.
And at Buckingham Palace kitchens chefs are still reeling from shock following a police raid on some dodgy royal cucumber sandwiches.
The royal wedding leftover tidbits were to have been recycled during last month's US presidential visit.
However a mystery slime appeared on their clingfilm prompting the Queen to insist on them being distributed 'to some of the poor beggars lining London streets'.
A Germany Embassy source refused to confirm or deny that 'someone in Hamburg' may have been the fateful recipient of a piece of royal wedding cake - and a couple of the aforesaid dodgy cuke paninis.
Angela Merkel is 69.