Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 2 June 2011

image for Cucumber Battle Rages but Give Peas a Chance
"All we are saying, is give peas a chance"

In response to the current E-Coli tainting of fresh vegetables across Europe, American Snap Pea producers with bumper crops are offering to ship much of their freshly picked surplus to Europe.

"They're great sources of vitamins A and C, with a touch of iron. They transport well and can be used in everything from salads and tuna casseroles, to split pea soup. Yum!", says North American Pea Association (NAPA) President, Peter Peck. "They can be used to compliment almost any dish and they are guaranteed not to make you sick".

Peck was quick to qualify his last statement, adding, "Of course, too much of any good thing might give you a touch of the runnies".

Peck also admits to having his own association mistaken for a wine producing region of California. "We get calls for Napa Valley all the time, and recommendations on our best seasonal wines. We just tell them to try peas instead! They don't seem to be too happy on the phone after that"

When asked if you could make wine from peas, Peck replied, "Oh, of course. Yes. You pick, squeeze and ferment them just like grapes, but they do not make a particularly good wine. You could drink it, but it's sort of chunky. Bad color. Smells like ass."

While not great as a beverage, they do make a hearty vegetable for long distance shipping. NAPA growers are currently harvesting their surplus acreage for shipment to Europe. Trying to put consumer minds at ease, Peck assured the press, "We made sure nobody took a dump on any of the picked bushels".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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