Written by Nick Hobbs
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Thursday, 2 June 2011

image for Al-Qaeda Name Replacement Leader For 'Murdered' Bin Laden
Osama Bin Laden, before the US military shot his face off.

Al-Qaeda, the group responsible for clogging up the internet with grainy videos of bearded men in dresses waving AK-47's about the place, whilst chanting and calling for the West to be brought to it's knees, has finally announced a replacement for Osama Bin Laden.

Bin Laden was killed on May 2nd 2011 by the US military, after storming his house and shooting him in the face. The group has been leaderless ever since.

Spokesperson Ally Bada Bing Bada Boom told reporters that a new leader was found after extensive auditioning in a 'Sunni Islamist's Got Talent' style format.

Group members were forced to vote for their favourite contestant, with promises of 72 virgins in the afterlife.

Would be leaders included Achmed Bin Loden and his dancing dog Molly, Awad bin Aboud Massari, a unicycling assassin, and Mildred Tanner, an 87 year old former Somerset gurning champion.

But judges were bowled over by relative newcomer Arad Bin Massoud, an 11 year old ventriloquist and impressionist, who overcame a serious heart defect to attend the auditions.

With his family crying in the wings, and to a soundtrack of 'You Raise Me Up', young Arad took to the stage and performed some very convincing impersonations of Mel Gibson, Robert De Niro and former Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt talking in tongues.

To finish his act he triple back-flipped and landed on one knee, whilst vigorously waving his 'jazz hands', to a standing ovation, from judges and the crowd alike.

Bada Bing Bada Boom told reporters that it was the defining moment of the auditions, and they looked forward to bringing a new jihad with Arad at the helm.

In other news, a slightly Islamic sounding Ben Stiller warned French Metro operators by telephone, that a bomb had been planted in one of it's underground networks. The claims proved to be false.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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