MTV almost lost it's greasiest "Jersey Shore" cast member over the weekend, when gelatinous rodent Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi rammed her car into the back of a police vehicle, and sources say she was evading police attempting to arrest her for Impersonating an Italian-American.
Snooki was lured from the totalled vehicle when authorities made kissing sounds at her while shaking an unopened package of Pretzel M&Ms, then was taken into custody in Florence, Italy on Monday after crashing into a police car.
"Ms. Polizzi, a Chilean-American, is in this country filming a 'documentary' on the Italian experience in American, when she is clearly NOT Italian," said Italian Dictator-for-Life Giorgio Napolitano. "That is a felony, and she will be prosecuted.
Cops are saying that no alcohol was involved, although she may have been legally intoxicated on food. A half-eaten pepperoni stromboli, two cases of Zagnut bars and a vat of pickles were recovered from the vehicle.
A witness tells defamationstation that Snooki crashed into the back of a patrol vehicle, wedging her 1986 IROC-Z Camaro under the cops' car. Witnesses also say that the Jaws of life were iniitally called in to extricate Chubs from the vehicle, but Snooki was able to get out after being promised some snacks.
"It was bizarre," said a witness, "As soon as she saw the candy, she began chewing through the dented metal surrounding her. It was like a lion eating an impala."
MTV producers posted Polizzi's bail, which was 10 Euros ($175,410.00 in United States dollars), and she was freed within hours.
Snooki then took to the airwaves, speaking out about the police who arrested her.
"I got handcuffed by this female cop. What's her name? What a stupid bitch. Excuse my language, but that bitch needs her f--king head examined," Snooki said. "This was totally uncalled for. I told her, 'You don't ever, ever, touch me, you rat f--k, prostitution whore!' "
"Then I told her, 'You probably sell your muff for $6, you f--king psycho bitch," Snooki continued. " 'You're nothing but gabbage. You sick, old woman muff cabbage! Fuck this psycho bitch.' She's a f--king pig. She's f--king pissing me off. I thought I was going to deck her."