Written by Morse
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Sunday, 29 May 2011

image for Slow News Day: Killer Cukes, Horse Herpes Outbreak, Barcelona Wins. ZZZZ!
European Alert: Don't Put These Where the Sun Don't Shine!

With only one pool reporter assigned to handle emerging news over the weekend, that man, who can not be named, found nothing of Pulitzer Prize note was worthy of reporting on, unless of course like the New York Times one could make something up.

Perish the thought.

In Germany, and possibly the UK, the case of the 'Killer Cukes' has been on hold until investigators can book a ticket to Spain, where the site of the alleged growth and distribution of the sex aides have been traced, now linked to more than a dozen victims.

The victims have all been classified as 'anal retentive' by a Canadian Medical board of Inquiry as well as the NHS who said they really 'can't be arsed' due to overcrowding.

Somewhere out west, there was no time, or interest, actually, to specify exactly where by press time, a children's rodeo was hampered when veterinarians reported an outbreak of "Horse Herpes" requiring the young participants to go through their routine riding a broom stick around the ring as they went through their paces in front of admiring parents.

Although not confirmed, the outbreak is somehow being traced back to Russia and Catherine the Great, although that may be misreported as she was said to hate horses, but be fond of Donkeys.

Little clean up, with the exception of the 2 year old event participants, was required in the arena after the event leading to a savings of $275 according to event organizers.

In a compilation of wire reports reporting a 'natural disaster of epic proportions', Football Powerhouse Manchester United was dismantled by Barcelona in the Championship game.
While not unexpected, viewers said that even though Man U was game, they were clearly outclassed by Barcelona in every phase of the contest except post marital sexual activity with players who may, or may not, be named later. Stay tuned.

No interviews were granted by the losers due to a super injunction on the grounds of
'extreme humiliation' and a 'right to privacy' under the 'Human Slight' provision of the European Union.

President Obama, on hand in Europe for the G8, a collection of 'intellects' who never held a real job while dispensing $Billions of other people's money in a failed attempt to
"buy friends and influence people' enjoyed their respite from their 24/7 stress filled positions.

There reportedly was a lot of 'toasting' going on, and the smell of burnt cheese was said to have prevailed during the happy occasion amidst all the back slapping.

Obama finally acknowledged the deplorable gas prices by deferring his trip to Normandy Beach to salute WWII veterans on Memorial Day saying he had 'just enough gas to get home."

California has announced they will be retaking the 2010 census in view of recent revelations concerning former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's admission that he kept 467 illegitimate and uncounted children in the basement of the Governor's mansion.

Arnold claims there were no 'women' involved in the immaculate conceptions and took the single parent deduction on 10 of his last 12 income tax returns.

Meanwhile in Boston, the Red Sox went 17-7 in May and are now atop the American League East, while the NY Mets have sold 49% of the team to a hedge fund manager who might have been a protege of Bernie Madoff and expects a 33% return on his investment.

DSK, ensconced in a $50,000 a month penthouse in NY has been charged again, this time for being 'a lousy tipper' by a horde of 'take away' delivery men bringing in 5* meals.

Kristie Alley, DSK's next door neighbor, is said to be getting 'anxious' having spent the last two days NAKED, bent over a triple bowl kitchen sink whilst leaving her door unlocked and hoping the Frenchman would accidentally 'bump into' her. No reports yet on DSK's attempts on 'withdrawal,' but security guards say he has not been able escape from his penis collar despite going through two cans of WD-40 and a tube of lithium grease.

More as we get it next week when things pick up.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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