Written by Inhopeless
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Thursday, 26 May 2011

[SSSI 7-B] BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - Spoofer Inhopeless founded a new lifeform in his bedroom today.

The spoofer said that he had woken up to see the creature facing him.

"For a bug-thing," he said, "it's big. It's... like... a cross between a beetle, a worm, a fire-ant and your mum."

Already scientists have descended on the bedroom, which is one of three, in the central Birmingham townhouse.

They have classified it as a Special Site of Scientific Interest (SSSI), and have analysed the animal.

"Well, it masses between 60kg to 80kg," said Dr. Grossett, pointing to a mass underneath some clothes, "and is approximately 1.7m in length."

The pile of clothes then shifted, and grumbled.

"It's me you idiots!" said Inhopeless. "The bug thing is in a jar on the table."

Upon further inspection, the creature is 784g and is 50cm long, 10cm wide, and 5cm thick.

"Right now," said Grossett, "we're making notes on the habitat. We've sealed off the area, so no-one can get in."

They have found that the creature thrives in the relative mess of rubbish, untidy clothes, and other parephenalia.

"You know..." said Inhopeless. "I've only been sleeping here. I haven't spent much time - I've been revising brah. I, like, got no time to clean up here, you know?"

"I can also tell you what he eats," he continued. "Remember I was dozing under some old clothes? He likes synthetic cotton. It ate my fricking duvet."

As of press time, a Latin language expert has named the creature: calumnia scriptor Inhopelessor

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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