It would seem that Arnold Schwarzenegger's problems go from bad to worse, hot on the heels of his affair and subsequent love child by one of his maids comes startling news regarding his sexual demands and parental heritage.
Enter one Gigi Goyette, age 52,of dubious TV fame ("Little House On The Prarie"), who insists that she had a 10 year fling with Arnie back in 1989 while he was fiming 'Total Recall'. Doubtless Mr Schwarzenegger wishes he had 'diminished recall' having heard Ms Goyette 'spill her guts' regarding their frequent rough sex sessions. So rough in fact that Arnie regularly put his lover in hospital due to the size of his member which hurt Ms Goyette quite a lot despite her returning for more punishment time after time.
Seemingly, the nickname 'big Arnie' is true in more ways than one and for years rumours had circulated throughout Hollywood that Arnie was the 'new' Errol Flynn(he also apparently well endowed) and has his humongous appendage strapped to his left leg during filming.
However, intrepid reporter, Harden Thike has just tracked down one, Anna Recksiek, aged 86 and of Austrian descent who claims she knows the real truth about Arnie's anatomy having raised him as her own since 1947!
Now a resident in downtown LA at the Forest Lawns Home For Retired Secrets, widowed Ms Recksiek was eager to put the record straight and lay a few ghosts to rest before her own demise....scheduled for October 5th 2011 if Harold Camping gets it right this time!
The story starts during WW2 in a bunker in Berlin, with the advance of the Red army Herr Hitler and his squeeze, Eva Braun had done a bunk to a bunker for a quick bunk up. However, Eva was no fool and realised that Hitler was on a losing streak, hastily making her excuse of 'needing zer krapper' she escaped though a window into the arms of her secret lover, Doctor Josef Mengele who had a fast tank waiting.
Two months later both Eva and Josef were safely in a small village in Bolivia using fake passports and were known to the locals as, Doctor & Mrs Schwarzenegger.
Having settled in quietly with the locals Josef continued his experiments on humans by by way of opening a surgery and playing with various body parts. In his quest for the ultimate Aryan superman he impregnated Eva one Friday night after plying her with drink and dispensing of his everlasting rubber johnny.During her pregnancy Josef plied Eva with copious 'health' drinks-as he liked to call them-to ensure a totally healthy Aryan superman. Unfortunately,many of his concoctions were more than a little experimental and by the time Eva gave birth it was far to late to rectify the situation. On the 30th July 1947 Eva and Josef welcomed baby Arnold into the world but when Eva saw the size of his manhood she collapsed into a coma and subsequently died. After having her stuffed and mounted Josef decided to palm the child off to a young childless Austrian couple, the Recksieks knowing full well that they would raise an otherwise muscular Aryan baby. At first the Recksieks were somewhat concerned about the size of young Arnolds appendage which, at nine months was well in excess of 12 inches. However, Josef assured them that by the time Arnold was fully grown his appendage would be in proportion to his body weight and height, this of course was a lie!
By the time young Arnie-as he was now known-had reached the age of 14 and discovered the fairer sex his appendage was in the region of 36 inches on the slack and a stupendous 50 inches when aroused. This caused his stepmother to faint quite often when she caught him in the nude-which she tended do quite often....out of choice. Due to her constant fainting spells Mr Recksiek had her sectioned and sent Arnie to the UK when he turned 16 in order to give the village women a bit of a rest.
When he passed away, in 1950, Mr Recksiek left instructions that his wife be released and sent to the USA to stay with one of his sisters in Los Angeles in order that she might forget all about her son. Unfortunately, he was not to forsee Arnie's subsequent rise to global fame and subsequent relocation to Hollywood. By 1985 Anna was in failing health but had continued to follow her son's fame from afar, never daring to speak out.
By contrast Arnold had sought out his birth parents during his teenage years in the UK and had long since adopted the 'family' name Schwarzeneggar having been informed that both they and his step parents had since died.
Meanwhile, at the Taco Bellevue Hospital a certain aged Doctor had long since joined the staff, one 'Harold' Mengele who specialised in vaginal plastic surgery. Of course, knowing full well the damage that Arnie would inflict on women once fully grown Dr Mengele knew well in advance that he could make $millions by repairing said damage...at a price! On an average day several bow-legged women could be seen waddling into Bellevue only to re-appear 24 hours later straight backed and seemingly cured!
However, now that the truth is out it could be curtains for Arnie as thousands of 're-conditioned' women come out of the woodwork each with their own lawyer and citing mega clitoral damages.
Meanwhile, rumour has it that 121 year old Dr Mengele has just checked out of the LA Hilton and was last seen heading for LA Airport with his 23 year old blond Japanese assistant,Sue Yu in a fast car.
It appears that Mr Schwarzenegger is desperately trying to locate the whereabouts of Max Clifford as we go to press!
SKY TV News cougar Kay Burley was once bow-legged but managed to pull herself together!