Following the recent ‘flap' of sightings of Unidentified Flying Objects over London, England, the Ministry For Bizarre Flying Articles issued the following statement:
‘The Government has been concerned of late by the number of reports received from the public in relation to a number of strange airborne entities seen over London. In order to reassure these citizens, and indeed the wider populace, that, in accord with its policy of Summary Honesty, Integrity and Truth, the Government intends to honor its obligations, it has issued the following statement:
1) They're real. I'd run like hell, if I were you. I saw one of them myself only yesterday and it really put the shivers up my crapper.
2) You should see the size of their teeth. ‘Jaws' ain't got nothing on this baby!
3) All citizens should report to their nearest Police Station for, let's see, ‘protection'. Each individual will be issued with Anti-Gamma-Ray Clothing and a month's supply of ‘Energy Pills' (don't swallow the blue ones yet).
4) A huge program of Civil Spaceship Construction is at this moment underway. The first of the Rocket Ships To Mars will be geared up and all set to leave for the Red Planet by next Thursday. Book early - there's a free pizza waiting for the first four billion applicants (courtesy of Quit Quick Cuisine Ltd)
5) Do not, under any circumstances, proceed to within one mile of the Rocket Ships. (Note: Rumors of their composition being mainly cardboard are totally false).
6) Do not bring family pets. Any weirdo with a python stands no chance.
Her Majesty's Government would like to take this opportunity to wish you well on your Journey To The Stars, and remind all ‘Sally Forthers' of the need for the respecting of Martian property. All deposits of priceless minerals will automatically become the property of the New Martian Administration until further notice. The Administration accepts no responsibility for lost, stolen or irradiated personal possessions. This includes artificial limbs, false teeth, false eyes, those funny-looking things that sometimes hang off the end of your pants, Alucard Trilbys, photographs of Hercules in the bath, photos of baths in general, pianos with engines, recordings of Prince Charles playing 'Waltzing Matilda', The Entire Cast Of The Musical 'Oklahoma', the riduculous trousers you're wearing, Blake's Seven and Toby The Accelerating Dog.
No singing during the trip. Please hand in any valuables to the fat guy on the door.