Yesterday, on Saturday 21st of May, the long-awaited "rapture" appears to have actually happened, despite being widely ridiculed. The Rapturometer is a very precise scientific instrument kept in the Pentagon in the US, and its bell began to toll in the early evening, indicating the rapture had occurred.
A Pentagon spokesman said that anyone finding themselves still on earth as of now should consider themselves left behind, or in other words, not saved.
It is estimated that fewer than 0.1% of the global population made it to heaven, but exact figures are hard to come by and there will not be enough time to conduct a full survey before the end of the world.
Rapture scientists have calculated that the earth itself will not be destroyed, but everyone on it should expect a fiery death. Already, a volcano in Iceland has erupted, revealing the entrance to the first level of Hades. A swarm of demons came out this morning and grabbed a local farmer, dragging his screaming body down to hell. His daughter escaped and appeared on Icelandic television weeping and moaning "they are coming! Help us, Björk!"
It is thought that it will take the minions of Satan approximately five months to devour the remaining souls on earth, assuming they work flat out.
People are being urged to remain calm and stay indoors, but also to abandon all hope.