Oscar the Grouch of Sesame Street has been named the latest winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, over such dignitaries as the new Pope, the U.N. Secretary General, and lots of other self important people. In a statement by selection committee chairman Wolfgang Austerflutenjafferbergstrom, he said that "Oscar's selfless service must finally be recognized. He has lived in a trashcan for many years to show the plight of the homeless. He spurns money to assist the underprivileged. He eats garbage to demonstrate the pains of the hungry. He yells at passersby to warn and alert them to the struggles of the masses."
While the new Nobel Laureate was not available, the Spoof was able to speak with several of his neighbors and friends on Sesame Street.
Grover: "Oh, yes, Oscar the Grouch. I always thought that he was just mean. It is a surprise for me to learn that when he told me to play marbles in the middle of the street, he really wanted me to slow down traffic so that they could see the horrors of the streets. How valiant. How noble."
Big Bird: "Oscar the Grouch? Is he a little, red furry guy with a high-pitched, squeaky voice? No! His name is Elmo? Then who's Oscar?"
Burt: "Why do you want to interview me? Where did you say you were from? No, I'm not gay. Who told you I was gay? Ernie is just a roommate. That's all."
Cookie Monster: "Cookie! Me Want Cookie!"
Ernie: "One time when I lost my rubber ducky, Oscar loaned me this dirty tin can to play with in the bath tub. It was rusty and sharp and I cut myself, but he was willing to loan his favorite toy to a friend."
Big Bird: "Oh, yea, you mean Oscar…. he's that guy in the black cape with the long teeth that likes to count everything. Sure, I know him! Not Oscar? Hmmmm."
Burt: "Just because I live with another man doesn't mean I'm gay. I'm as straight as an arrow. I like girls; I'm just not seeing any right now."
Big Bird: "Is he a giant purple dinosaur who hangs out with Baby Bop?"
Grover: "So you're telling me that when Oscar calls me a moron, it's really because he wants me to open my eyes to see the world around me?"
Kermit: "Oscar and I do have similar problems, you know. It really isn't easy being green. Also, he lives like a pig, and I live with a pig!"
Big Bird: "I know! Oscar is that little orange girl with the purple hair that hangs around with Elmo. Sure. Wrong again! Her name is Zoey! Wow, I guess I learn something new every day."
Burt: "What is it with you! Can't you let a man have his own life? Doesn't my privacy mean anything to you? What business is it of yours if I'm straight or not?"
Grover: "So when Oscar tells me to take a flying leap at the moon, he's really trying to get me to see how much we are wasting on the space program? I did not know that."
Big Bird: "Is Oscar the guy who hangs out with a Mr. Moose and Bunny Rabbit and Mr. Green Jeans and wears a red jacket? Oh, …Captain Kangaroo, huh."
Cookie Monster: "Oreos! Chocolate Chips! Oatmeal! Sugar! Peanut Butter! Me Want Cookies!"
Burt: "Okay, Okay, you got me! I'm a homo! I'm gay! I wear panties! I sometimes call Ernie my little rubber ducky! I tape all of the episodes of Will and Grace! I like show tunes! You're good, you know that? You're better than Mike Wallace. Are you sure this isn't Sixty Minutes?"
Grover: "So when Oscar is banging on the side of his trashcan at 2:00 in the morning, he's alerting us to noise pollution? I did not understand how selfless and complex he is!"
Big Bird: "He's not that giant brown elephant with the long tail that only I can see, is he? No? What's a Snuffy?"