Satan --The Morningstar, the Overlord of Hell and Nancy Grace's stepbrother-- appeared on the late night talk show Chelsea Lately and announced that the Number of the Beast, 666, will be changed to the symbol for Euros, in preparation for the Rapture, currently scheduled for May 21st, 2011.
"The number 666 seems so passe'," said Lucifer, who was bumped from Wednesday's show after a segment featuring unfunny comic Loni Love ran long. "I wanted something that was both inherently evil and more fashionable for the 21st century, so I picked the Euro."
Futuristic Christian scholars have long held that the rise of multi-national currency such as the Euro, as well as unrest in the Middle East and Ashton Kutcher's success as an actor were harbingers of the End of Days.
"Let me read you this quote," said 'Chelsea Lately' host Chelsea Lately-Handler. " 'To overcome the extant difficulties of supranational lucre, the Antichrist will use sillegistic religious syncretism to enable the creation of the supranational currency'. Is this true?"
"Chelsea," responded the Devil. "I don't even know what the sh-t that means. Wait, can I curse on here? I can? Awesome. I love this show. Sh-t! Piss! Justin Bieber, you are banished to Hell!"
"What? You said I could curse."
Satan also revealed that not only will the Euro be the official currency of his thousand-year reign, but the Euro sign* will be tattooed onto the damned's forehead, and will be a requirement for all commerce.
"The sign will work like a prepaid debit card," Satan explained. "You run to the grocery store, pick up a pound and a half of babies' souls, and scan your forehead at the checkout. When you run low on money, your forehead will blink three times every ten seconds. Then you just log onto iTunes, top-off, and you're good to go."
"By the way, Carrefour will steam your babies' souls for free!"
* For those who use real money, like platinum teeth and the US Dollar, the Euro sign looks like this: €. (Just as gay as you'd expect from Europe, right?