Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 19 May 2011

image for Guardian Reporter Sacked for Refusing to Write About Pattinson, Pippa, Piers, Pitt, Palin, Posh, The Prince or Kristen Stewart
Kristin Stewart reading one of Hempstead's previous articles on Pippa Middleton.

Rodney Hempstead, well known and respected 20 year veteran of The Guardian news service and more specifically, the Entertainment Section of the news desk, was unceremoniously sacked for refusing to write any more stories about popular celebrities whose names began with the letter "P", or Kristen Stewart.

Whilst exiting the Guardian Building with an old box originally used in the delivery of cabbage, Hempstead, who Tweeted the terms of his dismissal before packing the box, bumped into fellow reporters on the street who rushed to offer their heart felt, albeit limited support. "The ruddy bastards", Hempstead was heard to say, "You would think I could have written about Schwarzenegger's demise, or Strauss-Kahn's slap and tickle episode, but no! There's no damn letter P in either name".

Doubting the explained reason for the sacking, long time reporter and close friend, Orson Buggie-Whippington asked why he might be restricted to those particular celebrities. "Because their names draw internet hits", said Hempstead, and they all just happen to start with the letter P, except for Kristen Stewart of course. That is what they want. Shameless self promotion based on the name recognition of other celebrities."

"Shameful. Petty. Unprofessional", replied Buggie-Whippington. "One might think they would take the higher road, write about hard news, stop pandering to the public for readership based on a silly name", said Buggie-Whippington.

"We agree, my friend", replied Hempstead. "I guess in the end, I didn't really mind writing about Kristen Stewart. Lovely girl. Excellent bone structure. But, I was just sick of trying to force a 'P' based story line, when there simply wasn't anything in the tank, as it were".

With Hempstead's resume and solid reputation for literary productivity, few think it will be long before he picks up as a staff writer for another reputable service. Rumors abound regarding his next move, though the smart money may be on Hempstead picking up with TheSpoof, another bastion of journalistic excellence.

"There, he can write about anything he wants", says Buggie-Whippington. "Except he will need to write about some of his dreaded 'P's' in order to boost his ratings. Dreadful and vicious cycle, that is. No room for the faint of heart, or a lack of mentioning Kristen Stewart".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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