Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 19 May 2011

image for Coffee the New Fountain of Youth
Better than that little blue pill, and no cancer either!

Following an extensive study about the health benefits of drinking coffee, initial results show that regular consumption will dramatically reduce risk for prostate cancer, some heart related illnesses and will improve general stamina at work, around the house, and in the bedroom.

In a Coffee Growers Association press conference, head researcher for the study, Dr. Dave Paydmee, says that the health benefits list will probably grow, though those results are yet to be published. "We think that coffee and maybe even tea will yield a number of benefits and that we're only just beginning to see the positive impact to the human body, its organs, its soft tissue, the brain, our sexual organs, just about everything really. It is really exciting to finally get to the point where we, well mostly I, can finally publish these blind study results and see the public's reaction to the fact that more coffee rather than less is really the way to go of you want to help fight off certain disease and keep your energy levels up, and believe me baby, you can really, really keep your energy levels up. I mean look at me, I've only had 5 cups this morning, with a couple of espresso shots for good measure, and I'm running at the peak of mental acuity and efficiency, and I feel just great, almost better that the first time I ever got laid in the back seat of that Buick, though it was sort of a quick ending after all, but she seemed to like it, I think, but coffee provides me with that same level of heightened awareness and clarity, sort of allowing me to calm down while it picks me up at the same time, you know what I mean? It really is the new fountain of youth. Am I rambling?"

At this point, reporters had to grab the microphone away from Dr. Paydmee who had broken out into a sweat and whose hands began to shake uncontrollably. "CAPPUCCINO, STAT", Paydmee began yelling to his assistant who was standing next to the rear exit.

As with all studies, there are expected to be challenges to any claims made, and this case is no different. Pfizzor Company, makers of the male enhancement prescription Vigara, has already filed a challenge to the sexual performance claims of the coffee study. Pfizzor publicist, Lotta B. Esson says, "There's no doubt that the caffeine in coffee will allow you to hump like rabbits on steroids, but we don't think there's any blood left for the most important part of the body at that point. WithVigara, you could be as tired as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest, but still be as hard as college algebra".

Though the claims and challenges surrounding the effects of coffee are expected to continue, descendents of Ponce de Leon are now trying to clear the family name after hearing this latest coffee press release. They say that their great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather Ponce, always had the right idea, except the fountain was actually in Columbia, the water was actually coffee, and where Juan Valdez apparently grew the finest beans.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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