Written by Ellie James
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Thursday, 19 May 2011

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Fruit all over the world shocked by exploding watermelons.

China: The world was shocked to learn that entire fields of watermelons exploded this week in China. However, it comes to no surprise to botanists. When talking to head botanist at the University of Chicago, it seems it is fairly a common occurrence. "It happens sometimes. It's similar to when a whale inexplicably beaches himself and then dies," said Dr. Henry Sanders.

Although, some scientists argue if this was really the case in this situation as, according to Drs. Katie Johnson and her husband John Johnson, several watermelon fields have been under surveillance due to their larger than life leader who claims to be some sort of messiah. The Doctors Johnson makes up the botanist investigative team Johnson and Johnson. You could compare them to a real life Starsky and Hutch, only with plants. It also should be mention that Katie Johnson looks more like Owen Wilson than her husband.

Says Katie Johnson, "We've been watching this watermelon cult for some time, and we were actually having a breakthrough with an embedded watermelon who works undercover for us. Then this happens. I have no idea what to tell his family."

John Johnson states, "Sadly it's happened before. However, it's not happened to this severity. It's normally smaller crops, like the mass kiwi demise of 1989. All those poor bastards fell to their deaths at the same time just because a rogue orange decides he's king of fruit."

Forensic botanists are still trying to piece together exactly what occurred and what began the stand off with authorities that eventually killed thousands of Chinese watermelons.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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