Dominique Strauss-Kahn (DSK) under a suicide watch at Posh Rikers Island, was rushed into the emergency ward of the criminal holding center after his erection continued into the second day of his custody on sodomy and rape charges.
"It's Priapism all right, ' said consulting proctologist/urologist Dr. Victor Nicholas called in from Canada to confirm the diagnosis. "Poor Bastard's as hard as a rock....it's up, and he can't get it down!"
DSK was shunted out from his 130 foot suite on a gurney, his orange smock looking like a 4 man tent peaked at the middle with a 12/12 roof pitch capable of shedding a torrential downpour.
Doc Nicholas explained that amongst many causes, Priapism can be caused by alcohol, cocaine addiction, a bite from the Brazilian Wandering Spider (see Erskine Quint's notable treatise) or even the bite from the BLACK WIDOW SPIDER.
"I think it's probably the latter," said the noted Dick Doctor, acknowledging the unnamed South African maid who is the alleged victim and claimed DSK forced her into oral sex and attempted to rape her.
"The bite of a BLACK WIDOW during oral sex can be quite painful, cause swelling, engorgement of the male reproductive organ, headaches, nausea and an erection that lasts considerably longer than 4 hours. In Canada, where it seldom happens, it is known as the 'Stiff Dick Syndrome, but Erskine and I found it quite common in African where we conducted intensive field studies, and even subjected ourself to the occasional bite, for scientific purposes only, don't you know!"
Dr. Nicolas said he would first recommend an attempt to reduce 'swelling' by striking the appendage with a stiff ruler, much like the cure in British Boys Schools administered by Proctors, and if that fails, "well, I guess I'll have to operate!"
"I'll have to do that by puncturing the glans in order to vacate the stagnant blood so that
the penis can return to it's natural flaccid state. If that fails, we may have to amputate...last resort of course, but we can't have the bloke walking around with a flag pole continuing to bump into folks from behind...it just wouldn't do...even if he is French!"