Written by Cornelius P Lynch
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Saturday, 14 May 2011

image for Bin Laden Bin Wankin?
Osama J Arthur Bin Laden.

Did Osama like to crack one off? The evidence suggests that the recently deceased terror chief was a master at pocket billiards. It is claimed that he had more porno films than a Home Secretary's husband. Bin Laden may well have sought refuge in masturbation as the CIA closed in on him.

The revelations have been made following the raid on Bin Laden's Pakistani hideout. Numerous X-rated movies were found in Bin Laden's room. Amongst the titles were such classics as Big Bombs 'n' Burkahs, 100 Virgins for the Jihadi, Strap On Bomber Bang Bang and Mujha Had Teens.

It is not yet known if Bin Laden actually watched these films or if it was one of the other residents of the compound. Investigators have found several dry stains and are checking DNA records. Some of the stains are said to come from a blanket worn by the terrorist.

If Bin Laden really was a five knuckle shuffle man Al Qaeda will have great difficulty explaining to its followers. Jerking off uses up a great deal of energy, especially for someone who is also ill. It does, however, explain why he grew such a long beard. He had to hide his erect member while speaking to camera.

The recent suicide wanking attack in Waziristan suggests that onanism may well be an official policy of Islamic terrorists. Three men entered a military compound, shouted "Allah Akbar! Kylie Minogue's arse!" and knocked one off whilst holding a grenade in the other hand.

Leading psychologists are also interested to know if Bin Laden was a wanker. Professor Ben Dover of the University of Essex, said "Many people in pubs all over the UK have been saying for years that they thought Bin Laden was a wanker. They may have been right. If we look at Bin Laden's profile, he appears to be the classic wanker. He lived in isolation away from other people. He was very fond of himself. He spent most of his time in a blanket. And it's said he supported Arsenal. He is a classic case. Onana Bin Wankin.

Already the internet is abuzz with rumours of Bin Laden porno home videos, showing the terror chief slamming it up another guy wearing a George W Bush mask.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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