Written by Asheville Jack
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Thursday, 12 May 2011

image for Bin Laden's Personal Journal Reveals Lifelong Obsession with Obtaining KFC Secret Spices Recipe

"Why Allah, do you torture me so," are the final words written in Osama bin Laden's personal journal captured by the American military. But these pleading words, written in Arabic, do not refer to the terrorist leader's dream of destroying America, but rather to his belief that Allah has denied him his greatest prize - the secret recipe for the twenty one spices in the Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe.

"Lord, please hear my prayers," writes bin Laden, "for in my homeland KFC has corrupted many loyal servants, even me as a child. Chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy, a biscuit or two, maybe a little coleslaw - is that too much to ask for? I don't think so. Now, here in Pakistan, year after year, I am forced to eat goat head cheese and a bowl of rice washed down with a cup of rancid camel milk. You know, I would sacrifice my left nut for a little sweet tea right about now."

In the journal bin Laden writes about his frustrations that even after offering a twenty-seven million dollar reward for the KFC secret recipe, no one has come forward providing any information leading to the recipe.

"Eight years later - still no recipe. Fuck me, what's a man to do. Well, at least those stupid Americans haven't been able to fine me here in…

Editors note; end of bin Laden's journal.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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