Written by Cornelius P Lynch
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Tuesday, 10 May 2011

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The finest presidential beard since Lincoln

US President Osama Bin Laden has finally admitted that the assassination of some guy with a similar name was actually an elaborate hoax.

Speaking to a press conference outside the Tora Bora White House Osama said "I would like to apologise for all the things we said previously. In truth this guy never really existed. We invented him to serve our own purposes. And now we've killed a guy who looks like him."

Chuck Norris

The hoax is one of the dark moments of American history, along with all the films Chuck Norris ever made. That President Osama should have lied to the nation after promising so much at the start of his term of office. Having an ethnic minority president was seen as a sign of true democracy, but the tangled web Osama has spun undermines all of this.

Trumped up charges

In a separate story, billionaire Donald Frump has claimed that Osama Bin Laden isn't even American. "I want to see his birth certificate. He claims to be the illegitimate son of a camel dealer from Arkansas, but have you ever met one of those? I believe that Osama Bin Laden is really a foreigner intent on destroying all we hold dear" he told anyone who would listen.

Barracking Osama

At a recent speech Osama was barracked quite heavily, suggesting that he does not have the full support of the people. He was quick to calm such speculation. "I am the elected President of the USA. I shall remain so as long as Allah wills it and I will kill any infidel who doubts my sincerity."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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