Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 9 May 2011

image for Bin Laden Unhappy With Virgins, Seeks Groupie Trade with Elvis
Elvis and another buddy, hanging out before lunch with Bin Laden.

As reported earlier today in Afterlife Magazine, a staff medium successfully channeled the posthumous thoughts of Osama Bin Laden in a recent conversation with Elvis, where Bin Laden appears to be disappointed with his newly acquired bevy of virgins.

Juanita Umbutu, a third generation voodoo priestess and the personal spiritual advisor to Tom Cruize at the Los Angeles Church of Scientology, reportedly started receiving strong cross-dimensional monologues from Bin Laden early last Thursday.

"I don't know why he chose me", says Umbutu, "But the man seemed to be clearly angered and was looking for a way to vent his frustration. Maybe I was just listening at the right time. My ears were definitely burning". Umbutu went on to describe how Bin Laden's 72 virgins were apparently all young, but naïve, demanding of endless attention and completely incapable of creating any form of paradise. Bin Laden also commented that paradise seemed to be a little more like Hell than anything else. "And that's when he ran into Elvis", says Umbutu.

After life negotiations began in earnest with lawyers for Bin Laden and Elvis engaged to hash out the final terms of a trade between Bin Laden's virgins and three slutty Elvis groupies who know what they're doing. "I'm still not sure why or how there were more than 300 lawyers involved in the negotiations, perhaps I interpreted that wrong, but both men seemed to negotiate successfully for what they wanted", said Umbutu.

Though the final papers have yet to be signed; Umbutu claims that the documents seem to spontaneously combust each time the two parties get together to sign them, but Bin Laden and Elvis appear to be desperately anticipating the trade. "Something seems amiss with the whole transaction however", commented Umbutu, "As if they will never get what they want, or ever be satisfied. It also seems kind of warm and uncomfortable there, almost as if the after-life air conditioning is perpetually broken".

While the virgin for slut trade is apparently still pending, with more lawyers being added to the team each day, Umbutu received one last message from Bin Laden this morning. She had channeled a conversation between Bin Laden and Elvis, where Osama had asked Elvis where he could find some ice for his drink. Elvis reportedly replied, "Man, we ain't got no ice down here. Go ask your buddy Saddam Hussein if you don't believe me. And, hey man, don't drip any of your stanky sweat on my blue suede shoes".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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