Written by Baz Barry
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Topics: Osama Bin Laden

Thursday, 5 May 2011

PAKISTAN: Residents of the quiet, picturesque town of Abbottabad are still in shock after Sunday's raid by helicopter-borne elite US military units on the house of local shire councillor and Rotary president Mr. Osama Bin Laden.

"He was just a normal guy. Kept to himself most of the time. Just your average Joe." said a disbelieving Wasee A-Crim, Bin Laden's neighbours of five years. "He'd put out the trash, mow the grass, that sort of thing, you know. Just like everyone else".

Histeef Innajar Byderbed, who lives across the road from the stormed property, described Bin Laden as "a quiet,reserved sort of guy who drove his 27 kids to the local school in an armoured vehicle. He kept to himself...you never saw or heard much. It's hard to believe."

Shidden Husself, who used to clean house for Bin Laden and his wives, said that she thought there was "something different' about the family. "They had 14 armed guards around the house at all times and a couple of really savage guard dogs who kept escaping and eating people from the village at the bottom of the hill. His wives were always locked away. He used to spend a lot of time on his computer too. He was a good employer although my husband was imprisoned in a shed at the back while I worked there - for security reasons, they said"

"This is going to screw up property values around here." lamented Abbottabad estate agent Idi Amin. "This is a peaceful, tranquil town and the last thing you'd expect is for the Rotary president to be running a global terror campaign from his laptop on the kitchen table. It's just unbelievable."

Pakistani authorities have asked the US ambassador in Hyderbad for a "please explain" and have issued a statement denouncing the USA for its illegal intrusion into Pakistan and demanding five billion dollars compensation to "clean up the mess they left behind" and for repairs to the house which it is believed Mr.Bin Laden was renting from the Pakistani Prime Minister.

Elies Daly,a spokesperson for the US State Department,told reporters that Mr. Bin Laden owed the U.S. government "in excess of one trillion dollars" for damage inflicted on U.S. property a decade ago and despite several formal demands, he had refused to pay.

What was supposed to be a routine debt collection exercise went horribly wrong when Mr. Bin Laden began throwing wives and children at the US forces who, in self- defence, killed Bin Laden,13 of his wives, ten of his children, both of his dogs, all of his security guards, two brothers, four uncles, three aunts, eleven nieces and nephews and visiting ex-President George W. Bush, an old friend of Mr. Bin Laden's family in Saudi Arabia.

"It will take the street time to recover from this", reflected long-time resident Mustaph Alik. "But we've been through worse - our cricket team for example. Life goes on."

The White House has confirmed that all sixty fatalities from Operation Overkill were buried at sea in a shipping container, while President Bush will be given a State funeral with full National Guard honours at Arlington Cemetery .

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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