The proprietor of O'Reilly's, Bridlington's premier fish and chip takeaway, who strangely enough is called Mr O'Reilly, claims that famous Saudi prince of darkness and bomb-making equipment, Osama Bin Laden, is not in fact dead, but has been spirited away from Pakistan by the authorities to the less demanding lifestyle of chipping potatoes and mushing peas.
Speaking from his emporium at 3b Acacia Avenue, just off the waterfront, turn left at the abandoned Woolworths, then third on the left after the abandoned Zavi store (according to Mr O'Reilly if you reach the abandoned Thresher's store, you've gone too far), Mr Bin Laden arrived at Bridlington Aerodrome on board a Goat Airways Cessna in the middle of the night, and was escorted to his shop by a crack battalion from the Salvation Army.
Mr O'Reilly says that he joins Elvis Presley (man in charge of salt and vinegar), Michael Jackson (chief fish fryer), Jim Morrison (gopher) and Elizabeth Taylor (manageress) who all currently work behind the counter.
He went on to say that it was the first member of staff he had ever employed to have a knowledge of liquids so powerful they could strip enamel from a sink. He felt use of this liquid, normally thrown in the faces of people who listen to Western music or who think the Taliban are a bunch of crazy, mental, scum would bring a new meaning to hygiene on his premises.
He said: "I feel having Mr Bin Laden on the staff will go down a bomb with customers. To be sure to be sure."