The special federal government office tasked with combing through Osama bin Laden's confiscated computer hard drives revealed today that they revealed he died penniless after losing billions of dollars in Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme.
One video recovered from a hard disk shows an obviously distraught Laden complaining that Madoff double-crossed him. "The little fat fuck isn't going to get away with screwing me," says bin Laden in Arabic, adding that he had put all attacks on hold against Western targets until he had extracted revenge against Madoff, who he continually refers to as "that fact fuck."
Bin Laden continues with a threat against Madoff, "I have word there's a guy in prison will give him a penis enema for a pack of cigarettes, and I don't even have enough money for that - yet."
Bin Laden says in the video that he shouldn't have trusted the Wall Street bankers and Hollywood insiders whose advice he sought out. "Now I'm broke. I could have been living high on the camel if it wasn't for that little shit. Instead I'm stuck here in Abbottabad, or wherever, with no fucking internet or phone."
In an ironic twist the video ends with the prophetic words "I know it's just my depression speaking, but sometime I just wish the Americans would burst in here and put a bullet in my head."
In a related story, the Pentagon admitted that the aircraft carrier from which Osama bin Laden was buried at sea accidentally backed up over his body "several times."