Written by P.M. Wortham
Print this

Monday, 2 May 2011

image for U.S. Fleet Neurologist Releases Bin Laden's Medical Report
USS Carl Vinson receiving the remains of Osama Bin Laden

Counter intelligence units deployed in the Arabian Peninsula, were reportedly angered over the intentional leak of medical exam information following the return of Osama Bin Laden's remains to the aircraft carrier, USS Carl Vinson.

The on-duty Pathologist who is also the Navy's ranking Neurologist is currently being questioned about his methods and his tactics following the information leak, once bits of the medical examiner's report were tweeted out into the internet ether. Dr. Hugh Jeagou, denies any break in protocol or desecration of the body but admits the sharing of "socially important" information through mass communication methods.

"I just performed an experimental image capture from his retinal core, vibration capture from his audio memory cortex, and an externally monitored neural network scan", says Jeagou. "His last visual image, his last heard sounds and his last thoughts were easily captured in the new process, and the results were quite shocking".

Though U.S. officials were not inclined to discuss any disciplinary action to be taken against Dr. Jeagou, they were clearly less than chipper about his zeal for self promotion. "Bad enough he conducts what I guess we could call experimental brain wire-tapping, but did he have to buzz the world on the findings?" asked one Navy officer. "I just felt the world needed to know", replied Jeagou.

Following three strings of less than 140 characters, Jeagou reportedly sent the following communications:

"The last image to be found on Bin Laden's retina: An upright middle finger"

"The last sounds heard: Permission to ventilate, sir? Permission granted"

"The last thing to go through Bin Laden's mind: A 9mm NATO round from a HK MP5".

Make P.M. Wortham's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 5 multiplied by 5?

9 19 24 25
57 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more