In light of the government's need to save money wherever possible -- bullet-proof military vests made of Pepsi cans, Mexican day-laborers as legislative aids, etc.-- President Obama asked Mary Povich, host of the Maury Show, to check the DNA of the man killed in Sunday's raid to prove it was indeed Osama bin Laden, and the shocking results are in.
"Osama," said Maury, "You are dead," which lead to much booing and 'thumbs-down' signs from the mutants in the audience.
Strangely, the most shocking news wasn't revealed until the last commercials for personal injury lawyers, J.G. Wentworth and Apex Technical Institute played.
"In addition to confirming bin Laden's death," Maury continued, "We've discovered that Osama was the father of two of the children featured in prior episodes of the show."
"Yeah, motherf--ker, you gonna' take care of your babies, believe that sh-t," ranted Montella Williams, a 19-year-old mother of 8. "I told you baby Osama was yours."
In related news, President Osama said that Obama bin Laden was buried, following staunch Islam tradition.
"We had him stand up, and we flew a plane into him."