Written by John Langlois
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Topics: Pope, Beatification

Monday, 2 May 2011

image for Cam Newton Provides Second Miracle for Beatification of Pope

For months Alabama Crimson Tide fans have been perplexed as to how their multi-touchdown lead at halftime resulted in a 28-27 loss to the Auburn Tigers.

Today Vatican officials announced that the result was the miraculous intervention of Pope John Paul.

"This act was so dramatic in its result and so improbable a feat, that we can only conclude that a miracle occurred," an official told reporters.

"Normally, we would not pay too much attention to football games, but after all, this was Alabama in Tuscaloosa,"
he noted.

He went on, "In addition, the real confirmation came when Cam was chosen as the first round pick in the NFL draft. How could this be anything but a sign from God that John Paul was in the game and getting things done?"

A local Auburn fan, Bernice Hornblower, said, "I prayed to Jesus all the first half, but when I kicked in a little plea to John Paul in the second half, things really took off. I know Cam thinks he did all that scoring by himself, but the true believers know different."

Commemorative medals featuring Bryant-Denny stadium, Cam Newton riding a crimson wave and Pope John Paul's Pontifical blessing of the crowd will be on sale at all truck stops across the South. Limited plate editions are also scheduled for a Christmas release.

In view the pontiff's obvious favoritism of Newton, the Stone Mountain Carvings in Georgia will now feature Cam's smiling face.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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