The much anticipated Royal Wedding became a Royal Embarrassment Friday morning. The world watched in horror as Prince William married the wrong Kate--actress Katie Holmes.
The Queen was overheard to whisper, "The horror! If he had to marry someone else, why did it have to be a commoner?"
Scintology conspiracy theorist Jordan Mitchell explained, "There's no mystery about it. It was a well-organized plot on the part of the Scientologists and the Queen, whose bloodline comes straight from the Illuminati. All that stuff about Kate Middleton was just a ruse. The Royal Family wanted a Scientology wedding all along, and it went off perfectly. This is what happens when the eyes of the world are closed--open your eyes for a second and bam, Scientologists have taken over the UK."
Telegraph News Head Matthew Bayley dismissed such claims. "It was a simple mistake, that's all. The Dean of Westminster is getting a little old. He's just a little nearsighted. Plus, since he's supposed to be celibate, it's in his best interest not to look too closely at young women. To him they're all one big blur."
The fiasco has already made the Royal Family the target of much ridicule. In the U.S., BET comedian Joe McBlack satirized the incident by saying, "That shit would never happen with black people. We'd be all like, Yo, motherfuckers! You got the wrong bitch up there. But white people, they all like, (whiny nasal voice) Oh, my, how dreadful. Better keep quiet about it." To many, this kind of satire has the ring of truth. It's been said the wedding could have been stopped if only someone had spoke up. But, in true British fashion, no one wanted to make a scene. Even so, quite a bit of couching and throat clearing was heard throughout the ceremony. The embarassment is expected to continue if William should seek a Royal Annulment, which could drag out forever.
It's not clear at this time whether the marriage is even legitimate under Scientology beliefs, since Holmes is already famously married to aging star Tom Cruise. We asked religious scholar J. Gordon Melton about this question. He replied, "Damned if I know. Scientologists are concerned with weird pop psychology. As far as can tell they're too busy erasing repressed memories with energy meters to worry about marriage. They are, however, ardently opposed to gay marriage. That could be an issue here. As far as I can tell, Katie Holmes is not a gay man, or any kind of man. Except for the fact that she's romantically involved with Tom Cruise, which means, logically speaking, that she almost has to be a gay man."
Mr. Cruise himself seems to support the wedding, making a surprise appearance on Oprah to talk about the controversial event. "I love this wedding!" he screamed repeatedly, jumping up and down while Ms. Winfrey grimaced as though she'd been smacked in the face with a wet salmon.
No one knows where Kate Middleton was while all this wass going on, but conspiracy types believe she has been kidnapped and taken to World Scientology Headquarters in San Diego.