Written by Jalapenoman
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Sunday, 1 May 2011

image for Pope John Paul II Beatified In Rome
The square was filled with a million watchers

Pope John Paul II, leader of the Catholic Church for over a quarter of a century, was finally beatified in Rome. Beatificiation is the process where people who are alive decide that a dead person is actually a saint, and elevate them to that level through religious ceremony.

Through Sister Constance, a medium, this publication was able to interview the former Pope and find out his opinion on his elevation in status.

"I'm glad to finally get out of that cheap little shack they had me living in up there. It was a duplex and there was a really annoying woman on the other side. She thought that just because she was an angel, she was supposed to be able to sing."

"Anyway, now I can actually inherit my mansion on high!"

When asked how he enjoyed the beatification ceremony, John Paul said that "I really didn't watch it. I actually sent my spirit to England to check out the royal wedding. Did you see Pippa's ass? After that, I checked out the NFL draft for a while and then went and got fitted for a new pair of wings."

Over one million people witnessed the ceremony in Rome. Many said that the felt the presence and blessings of John Paul II raining down on them from above, making them tingle inside. The former Pope, however, said that "it must have been acid rain."

"I did enough of those ceremonies myself. Light a candle, shake your rosary, bless this, kiss that, pray a little... it all gets rather boring after you've done it a few times. Pippa's ass and the draft were so much more interesting."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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