SPOOFNEWS EXCLUSIVE-Threats of a pandemic of avian flu have put asunder the old adage that ‘birds of a feather flock together.' Fearful that they'll suffer needless genocide at the hands of untrained, uneducated, paranoid general public, birds that normally are seen congregating, soaring and just hanging out in large numbers have begun to singly distance themselves from their birdie buddies.
Scientists noticed the first symptoms of this revolutionary evolutionary trend when migratory geese failed to initiate their annual flights in the customary "v" formations typifying the onset of winter. Without these harbingers of Father Frost, some scientists will be resigned to their computer simulation programs, while others are being forced to drag out their old dust-covered dart boards to predict not only the changing of the seasons, but daily weather conditions as well.
Unsure whether the rapidly mutating virus can endure poultry processing procedures, squeamish consumers not wanting to risk ill health or possible death are chickening out when it comes to buying chicken products. This includes both fast food and grocery aisle purchases. As a result, sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken, Popeye's and Church's franchises across the country and in several foreign countries have sharply declined. Grocery store chains and mom-and-pop markets are suffering similar fates, while competing meat producers are ‘making bacon' and ‘beefing up' to meet the resulting increased demand.
Even pet shop owners are falling on hard times trying to sell common and exotic birds. Birds normally sold in pairs to breeders are refusing to share cages with their counterparts. This has ornithologists worldwide fearful that this will lead to extinction to everything from the ordinary parakeet to the colorful Amazon varieties of parrots, macaws and birds of paradise.
Duck, dove, pheasant, grouse and quail hunters will soon find themselves fighting over solitary targets, as these tasty treats will be seen only in single scenarios. Furthermore, lovers of luxurious eider down pillows will see prices soar as it becomes more and more difficult to find sufficient numbers of the esoteric eiders to fill the ticking.
Birders and environmental volunteers have offered to assist ongoing efforts to vaccinate all manner of feathered flier against the flu in an effort to prevent a total breakdown in avian social circles. But few have left their nests to avail themselves of the preventive measure.
But the most devastating effect of all is the effect this situation will have on this and future Thanksgivings and the very symbol of our country. Will the turkey cease to be the symbol of our national origins on dinner tables from coast to coast? Will the eagle be replaced by some other predator as the epitome of American strength and power? Looks like the buzzard may have known something all along, flying solo high above its next meal.