Written by Victor Mann
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Topics: Middle East

Sunday, 24 April 2011

The newly appointed President of Palestine Mahmoud Abbas has reissued his government's refusal to accept former refugees of pre 1948 Palestine as citizens in what will be the the newly formed State of Palestine.

In an interview with Al Jazeera on the eve of the formal declaration Abbas said "to allow all those who left in 1948 along with their decedents to become citizens of the new Palestine and live here as well would invalidate our insistence on the their right of return to Israel. Not to mention where the hell are we going to put them?

When pushed a little further Abbas conceded that allowing in millions of now westernised Palestinians would jeopardise the political nature of the new state. Having been used to tolerance and freedoms in the West they may send the wrong message to locals and expect a multi-party system along with freedoms such as an independent media, freedom of speech, not to mention a medical plan..

The state is not ready for such a bold political swing and would inevitably force us to focus on our internal problems rather than the more marketable issues with Israel. It is those that we must continue to pursue". "In any case" he said "they can always go to Jordan, It's already 80% Palestinian anyway."

For those who are still living in camps albeit in other Arab countries, Abbas indicated they would provide money and support to continue the armed struggle against Israel, but fell short of providing any indication of resettlement

Meanwhile in Tel Aviv, Intellectuals, artists and dozens of Jewish Peace groups along with their supporters were earlier stunned today when Palestinian authorities refused to allow them citizenship in the new state citing that unless they were prepared to convert to Islam, refrain from questioning authorities, promise not to start similar peace movements in Palestine, authorities could not g'tee their safety and therefore Palestine would have to remain "Juden Frei " until such time as the confectionery makers could find other reasons to hand out lollies.

In other news today in Ramallah, European ministers will be handing over symbolic checks to the tune of billions of dollars as payment for finally getting the Mideast conflict out of their proverbial hair.

Asked what the funds were going to be used for, Palestinian finance ministers were reticent and shrugged their shoulders saying "we are not quite sure as yet"

"The problem is in our support of the BDS movement"

All the companies that can help us build infrastructure, housing and telecommunications are forbidden to us because they currently do business or are owned or were invented by Jews and or Israelis. However Iran, China and North Korea have all indicated they would be more than happy to take our money and supply the necessary goods.

However we are still waiting on confirmation that any virus that comes along with software is also clean of any Israeli involvement and won't be subject to BDS involvement. In the meantime we would suggest that those that support the current BDS movement go and be active in their communities.

Otherwise we are still in the tendering process, so in the meantime we will park those funds in real estate. Paris apartments are still good value.

In an outside broadcast to international journalists the new Minister for Security was asked how long it would take to dismantle the check points and barriers that Israel was leaving behind.

"Are you crazy? Why would we remove perfectly good population control infrastructure that we can use. I mean Hamas is still a problem for us as well..

In an unofficial media release a U.N. Spokesperson said that in spite of the changes to the political structure in the Middle East the U.N. would continue to find reasons to sanction Israel. "We have so many committees we need to make sure that they are all kept busy".

Asked if the new Palestinian state would be scrutinized during its embryonic stages the spokesperson replied "What? And offend 50% of the General Assembly? Embarrass the Europeans who have given all those funds while their own countries are still suffering from the GFC, C'mon, you guys have to know which side your bread is buttered on. In any case no one cares to listen unless you can intimate that Israel had some part in it" even if it's proven that we were wrong later"

Finally in an amazing day of events, the Palestinian government has declared that the 11th of September as Independence Day for the new Palestinian state. It was declared that this would be an auspicious day for Palestinians and Muslims world-wide. Singing and dancing in the streets would be encouraged along with lots of lolly giving. It may be the last time we get to enjoy this victory.

No Hamas officials were available for official comment, but indications were that they were working on their own version of Independence. The situation was somewhat stalled since they already had 100% of Gaza and the smuggling tunnels were earning to much income to warrant seeking peace. The good news was that goods made in Gaza ie: Kassams were not banned under the BDS.

"We have plenty to ship to out brothers as soon as they put there orders in and oh yes hand back the rest of the West Bank to the legitimate government of Hamas.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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