Written by Hydrogen Balloon
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Friday, 22 April 2011

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What Jesus Ate On The First Easter

Jerusalem, Israel-- Exciting new biblical research is giving religious Christians some new information about the very first Easter. It now appears that Jesus returned from the dead with a ravenous appetite for things like chocolate bunny rabbits, marshmallow chickens, and coconut eggs! It also appears Jesus liked hard-boiled eggs too, as long as the shells had a nice colour.

"Enjoy your Easter sweets. Jesus certainly did." stated Pope Benedict XVI. "If it was good enough for the Lord, it's good enough for you."

Vatican scholars now believe the Crucifixion was very tiring, and Jesus needed a 'sugar buzz' to get started after the Resurrection. Someone left Jesus plenty of junk food in his tomb, after he was taken down from the Cross. Many believe it was the Virgin Mary.

"Jesus ate the chocolate bunny rabbit's ears first, so start there." said the pope. "It may seem cruel, but Jesus also loved eating marshmallow chickens especially. He ate dozens of them." he stated.

Biblical scholars now believe the Virgin Mary also left some coloured hard-boiled eggs for her son. She was probably depressed after watching her son's execution, and coloured the eggs to cheer herself up. The Virgin Mary wasn't too concerned about the cholesterol, because Jesus was already dead.

After his sugary meal, Jesus had a nice sugar rush, and went outside his tomb to scare the Apostles, and smoke a little weed.

"Easter is fun! Enjoy it, like Jesus did!" laughed the pope.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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