Seamus O'Toole, thought to be one of Ireland's leading chefs, has been fired, in an ignominious brawl, from the Royal kitchen that is currently in the throes of preparing the feast for the great wedding.
Over a hundred kitchen staff stood in amazement as O'Toole was forcibly removed from the premises by armed guards.
One eye-witness said it got really heated as Princess Anne rounded on the chef for what she screamed was "treason!", "an insult to Great Britain and Her Majesty not to mention Prince William and Kate!"; and how she was thankful indeed for "finding out about it all before it was too late!".
"Get stuffed!" shouted O'Toole as he was bundled out of the kitchen. And: "Up the IRA!"
Gordon Ramsay had discovered Seamus during a recent visit to Dublin where he was entertained by leading members of Sinn Fein, and subsequently had recommended him to the queen herself as the man to take charge of the royal wedding banquet. Ramsay had been on a business trip to Ireland to discuss with Sinn Fein leaders the possibility of opening up a chain of Maze restaurants in Ireland manned by indigenous ex-political prisoners. He claimed to have the backing of ex-Secretary of State for Northern Ireland Peter Mandelson and his business partner - Russian art dealer Fistavich the Terrible.
For the past few weeks however, O'Toole had been keeping secret his plans for the royal banquet until footman Percival Heap, whose job it is to check all rooms in the palace before lights out, found a copy of O'Toole's intended menu underneath a jar of Iraqi olives in the kitchen.
Alarmed, he took it immediately to Princess Anne. She was waiting for O'Toole next morning with security officers in company with the Duke of Edinburgh and Prince Harry brandishing swords. The seven course menu ran as follows:
(1) Dandruff Crackers and Ant-Sushi
with HP sauce.
(2) Harry Potter snake-blood soup; or braised
viper-hearts with broccoli.
(3) Steamed royal mouse stuffed with olives and
dipped in HP sauce
(4) Choice of Main:
(a) Worm fingers and sweet peas with HP sauce.
(b) Skunk bangers n' mash
(c) Monkey brains in Kent cider
(e) Bulls' balls with cream of afterbirth.
(f) Raw goat's tripe vol au vents with HP sauce.
(g) Idi Amin Surprise Stew.
(h) Bogside Artists' "Cardiac Arrest Burgers" with
battered suet balls and bacon dripping.
(a) Irish ice cream made with imported Orang Utan milk.
(b) Pickled Tarantula on toast.
(c) Harry Potter stewed prunes sprinkled with horse
(d) Sugar cubes and HP sauce.
(6) Mud cake made with select Irish mud and
layered with Irish turf.
(7) Irish turnip liqueur or Donegal Poteen
brewed from fermented goatshit and Irish
Said assistant chef Maurice Chevalier-Hogg; "Le Ireeshman liked to work on eez own. So we neveur knew what he waz doingk. We jest followed eez ordeurs. Les pungent smells from le fridge howeveur gave us coz for concern and I often wondeured why he cawd his "surprise deesh" 'Idi Amin Stew'; and why he had a very beeg shovel in le corneur of le kitchen. Howeveur, for his sugar cubes and HP sos I would give eem a nine."
Gordon Ramsay meanwhile has made the following comment: "I don't give a fucking toss about O'Toole or the fucking wedding. I wasn't even invited! My problem is finding somebody to advise me on how to run my fucking restaurants that are going down the gurgler one by fucking one!."