Paramedics rushed to the Californian Mansion of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes today after a panicked plea from Suri Holmes was picked up by one of her FaceBook friends on her social networking site.
"Help, I've fallen whilst trying to get to the loo, my drawers are full of Poo, and I can't F*****g get up!" read the frantic plea from the preconscious 4 year old!
Alerted to the life threatening dilemma, the Beverly Hills Paramedic squad rushed to the scene accompanied by a medivac helicopter, a contingent of California Highway Patrolmen on electric mopeds (Harley Davidson's recently being banned as 'heathen pollutants') and a trained Nanny schooled in picking up and carrying to safety 4 year old children incapable of wiping their own arse.
While the CHP cordoned off the block paramedics forced open the front door of the 35,000 square foot mansion much to the surprise of Tom Cruise who was admiring himself in front of the hall closet mirror, and Katie Holmes who was still comatose in the media room under the influence of Valium.
Her condition was said to be related to viewing her performance as Jackie Kennedy in the doomed Mini-series recently panned, canceled, and then signed to debut on Al Gore's TV network to an audience of 7250.
Rushing to Surie's suite, encompassing an entire wing of over 15,000 square feet, rescuers found her 2 feet from her playpen where somehow she managed to release the gate and stagger 2 baby steps in her attempt to reach her master bath suite and bidet before her legs gave out.
"It was pitiful," said Bo Armstrong, a 16 year veteran of the emergency response team. "Probably the worse thing I've seen since that 80 car pileup on the free way when that open topped circus truck carrying the herd of giraffes tried to pass under the 16' bridge....!"
"She looked the same as she always does, " said assigned emergency Nanny Mary Lou Polaski, " near comatose, snot dribbling down her nose, and whining about how she had just shit her drawers and her Dior play suit would probably have to be given to charity."
Tom, finally gathering enough courage after having made arrangement for some Scientology Minders to tend to Katie, was in shell shock!
"My God....she's never even taken one step on her own! It's a Miracle....Praise Be! Usually she just stays where we put her down until Katie comes and picks her up to go shopping, go to breakfast, lunch, afternoon tea and then dinner! Shit....the only time she ever did that was when she got pissed that I got her the red Merc AMG convertible instead of that WOP Ferrari....wonder what sent her off this time? Bet she's still pissed she didn't get an invitation to Will & Kate's wedding...she really takes things personally...she's very sensitive you know!"
After supervising Suri's clean up, Tom thanked the responders profusely before picking up his now spanky clean daughter.
"There, there Princess....how bout we go to dinner. Roman Polanski's in town, and he's just going to love you to pieces...this could be the big break in your career Mummy's been praying for....love those crotchless diapers, by the way!"