Written by Auntie Matter
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Friday, 15 April 2011

image for Calls for Jetpack to be Outlawed
Is nowhere safe from the Jetpack?

It is called the The Martin Jetpack. You strap it on and fly away, as high as you dare. It is a 553lb, five-foot cube, with twin 1.7ft diameter Kevlar/carbon rotors powered by a 200bhp 2-litre V4 petrol engine. First seen in the James Bond movie "Thunderball" it is set to take the world by storm. The Martin Jetpack has a range of some thirty miles and can stay airborne for over half an hour, and with modifications a lot longer. The price of $100,000 puts it within range of millions. It is already causing major headaches for governments and law enforcement departments around the world. The CIA has issued a statement saying it is the biggest boost to espionage since the wiretap.

Various illegal internet groups have welcomed the invention as a step forward. Watsurs Ismine, director of Burglars Inc. allegedly sponsored by ex-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and rumoured to have been entered by her for "Most Sucessful New Business of 2011", is delighted by the news. "It means our members can now case apartments ten stories high instead of being confined to ground floor level as in the past where work can be difficult on account of metallic obstacles, dogs and nosey neighbours."

Air Traffic Control at Heathrow demanded a stop to the sale of the Martin Jetpack: "These maniacs could very well be sucked into the engines of low-flying aircraft endangering thousands of lives."

Meanwhile, Chief Superintendant Frank Law of NYPD declared - and not without reason - "We are sure to see crime rates sore as never before, no pun intended. Crims will be able to make a clean getaway. Jeez, people living in skyscrapers will shit bricks as they will not be able to have a shower or make love without some fucking weirdo hovering outside their windows like bug-eyed extra-terrestials. Nobody will be safe. Stiffs will be falling out of the sky for chrissakes into our rivers and lakes, like dead starlings over Arkansas. The Mafia are probably training their own Jetpack mechanics as we speak! Gang warfare will take to the skies in Los Angeles and other cities as lunatics will want to be the next Red Baron. This is the worst news I have heard in over thirty years on the force."

Left wing activists in Europe, on the other hand, are very excited by the invention. "It means." said militant leader Alfredo Freeman from his cell in the "Bangkok Hilton" prison where he is awaiting trial for dope smuggling, "that we can now go about seriously fermenting revolutions around the world, secure in the knowledge that we can getta fuck outta there once the shit hits the fan because the revolution needs us and peasants won't be able to afford the Jetpack anyway."

A spokesman for the Vatican said His Holiness was deeply concerned as bogus sightings of The Virgin Mary were sure to proliferate and business in Lourdes and Medjugorje would surely be affected. Said Bishop Seemore; "A nut with a bedsheet and a Martin Jetpack could cause untold damage to Catholicism, especially in Third World countries."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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