Secret Agent Maxwell Smart of CONTROL passed away quietly this week. Upon his death, his personnal journals and memoirs were made public. Several startling revelations were contained within, including the fact that it was Smart who first reported the Weapons of Mass Destruction to President Bush and the Department of Defense.
An exerpt from a diary reads as follows:
"I was having a meeting with Bush, Cheney, Powell, and Rumsfeld. They did not wish to use the cone of silence, even though I recommended it strongly. The conversation went something like this:
Rumsfeld: "Mr. President, Agent 86 has been under cover in Iraq ever since the day after 9/11. He can tell you all about their military capabilities and weapons storage and delivery systems. He has infiltrated their military at the highest levels and knows them like the back of his hand."
Bush: "Mr. Smart, what kind of weapons do they posess? Are the Iraqis a credible threat the the peace and security of the United States and the Free World?"
Smart: "Mr. President, their army is in chaos, even though KAOS is not involved."
Powell: "What the hell is that supposed to mean? Who let this idiot in here? Isn't he the guy who puts his cell phone in the bottom of his shoe like a moron?"
Smart: 'KAOS is a secret organization dedicated to terrorism and the overthrow of all democratic governments. They are led by a brilliant man named ZIgfried. Fortunately for us, they are not behind Iraq. Their army is a total shambles. They only have personnal weapons and a few broken down scud missile launchers."
Rumsfeld: "I don't believe that."
Smart: "Would you believe that they have six bazookas and one wing of Korean War surplus fighter aircraft?
Bush: "I wouldn't believe that either."
Smart: "How about a couple of MIGs, a few surface to air missiles, a fully operational scud program, and an elite Palace guard?"
Cheney: "I don't believe they are that ill prepared."
Smart: "Would you believe they have ten ful squadrons of the finest military aircraft on the planet, to full armoured cavalry of tanks, a biological weapons system with full delivery capability, a nuclear program that is third best in the world, the greatest trained fighting force since the Israelis, a submarine fleet that outnumbers ours and the Russians combined, and ICBM system that can take out any of our cities and evade our Patriot batteries, and the world's greatest military mind in command?"
Cheney: "By God, I knew those ragheads had weapons of mass destruction! Thank you for a job well done, Agent 86! You have done your country a fine service."
This news service will run other bulletins detailing the secrets uncovered in the Smart Diaries in the future.