Suspected serial killer, Alfred De Bundy has contacted Skoob News International as his execution date draws ever closer, pleading his innocence and appealing for help.
De Bundy, currently incarcerated in the Upstate Federal Penitentiary in downtown Oopsyville, Indiana, reportedly contacted SNI in a last ditch attempt to have his execution commuted.
Hopefully to life imprisonment. or something a little less excruciatingly painful than having a massive burst of electricity pass through his body, bursting his eyeballs and setting his skull and scrotum on fire. Like burned bacon. Or a chargrilled lamb chop.
Bearing this in mind, SNI reporter, Martin Shuttlecock travelled from his Hampshire home, fighting off some Roma gypsies as he loaded up the car, before travelling to Heathrow airport and taking a flight to Oopsyville Multinational airport, and visiting De Bundy at the Upstate Penitentiary.
"I expected the worst, and I wasn't disappointed," Shuttlecock said. "The penitentiary is pretty grim. It's all watchtowers, razor wire and machine guns. And the stink of roasting flesh from the death house."
It has since been revealed that De Bundy was apprehended by FBI agents in a basement, wearing a blood spattered leather apron and wielding a chainsaw amid a pile of dismembered limbs from what later transpired to be eleven homicide victims, and then attempted to attack the agents using napalm, nerve gas, and a gun with some bullets in it.
De Bundy was overpowered by agents, who later uncovered several goldfish in tanks, an extensive sock collection, several tins of baked beans and a chilli plant.
And some silly drawings the suspect had done in a school exercise book with ballpoint pen drawings in red, blue and black ink.
Federal agents revealed that De Bundy may be one of the most prolific serial killers of all time, accounting for as many as eleven thousand and seventy six possible victims, while law enforcement officers were otherwise sidelined eating triple cheeseburger Royales, nachos, pizza, chilli dogs, pastrami on rye, fajitas, burritos, potato chips and spicy hot chicken wings. Washed down with gallons of coffee. In styrofoam cups. With lids on.
Since his arrest and incarceration, De Bundy has bigamously married nine desperate middle aged women from Essex, and let each and every one of them down in the most alarming fashion.
But Shuttlecock's recollection is of a changed man.
"He seemed alright to me," the pork pie hat chap told us. "He was softly spoken, and as I stopped him trying to bite my face and ears off, we struck up a rapport. Apart from the twitching and occasional lunges aimed in my direction - I presume in order to rip my scrotum off or something - he told me that he'd found Jesus. I was touched beyond belief - thankfully not by the scrotum, I hasten to add. I saw a changed man before me, a paragon of virtue. At least when he wasn't being restrained by frightened prison guards. It beggars belief that people in the twenty first century can so callously condemn a chain saw wielding psychopathic homicidal maniac to death. It's changed my way of looking at things, I can tell you."
Emma Watson (not the one out of the Harry Potter films) who married De Bundy last month told us:
"He's a beautiful person. He found Jesus. And once you get past the homicidal rages, you find the caring, gentle soul I fell in love with on the internet, because nobody else was interested in me, and that's why I married him. I'm not saying I'd encourage him to play with sharp knives or petrol driven chainsaws, but underneath all that psychopathic exterior, there's a beautiful individual crying out to give love to the world. I don't think he'd harm anybody these days. At least not beyond decapitating them and dancing naked in the moonlight soaked in the blood of his latest victim. He's not Jack The Ripper or anything..."
More as we get it...