Written by Inhopeless
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Topics: Flying, UN, Airplane

Friday, 8 April 2011

image for Report: Passengers Pose More Risk than Airport Scanners
Now Passenger Free

NEW YORK - At the United Nations Organisation Conference on Aviation, a new report has suggested that full-body airport scanners pose no risk to traveller safety.

It also found out that passengers pose even more of a risk.

The United States, Britain, France and Germany have banned passengers from any domestic, continental and international flights, along with knives, keys, and water bottles.

The report points to startling evidence that nearly 90% of security scares are narrowed down to at least one passenger - whether it be terrorism or stealing from duty free.

"Even some explosives hidden in a golf bag can still be traced down to a passenger," said the report.

The aviation industry, including names like British Airways, Airbus, Boeing, United Airlines, and others, have responded positively to the report.

"Passengers have been a dependable source of revenue," said a spokesman for BA. "But risk equals reward. And frankly, the danger is too much to cope with."

Of course, the new measures will only ban passengers. To determine if one is a passenger, or an allowed personnel - e.g. pilots, flight attendants, or ground crew - extensive background checks will be performed. Also, staff will be trained to identify a passenger.

"I mean," said a spokesman for the UK's Home Office, "we've installed more security guards, more checkpoints, stringent regulations, blah de blah... yet these passengers still do it. We thought it was security that was the problem, but we realise the passengers are."

As this ban will come into force during the busy Easter holidays, many passengers will get a refund from their airlines or can go to their destination by public transport. They can also be moved to a future flight, but from that they will also be not allowed.

As of press time, how the hell am I going to get home?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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